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“You’re never gonna have it all figured out…”
When you drive your drunk friend home…
But they pass out in the car (it’s their birthday weekend and they’ve had so much alcohol…), and when you get to their apartment they aren’t waking up so you can get them to their couch…
So instead you take your blanket from the backseat, cover them up, lay the seat back, and just wait. 🤷🏻♀️
I wish I had food. I also wish I could just go home, I want to be comfy in my pajamas and in my bed. This is crap.
But I’m THAT friend. Imma take care of you.
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“Wish that I was kidding, I’m not and I hate it…”
There’s so much I want to say, but I still have to be guarded.
To the dude that’s (probably unintentionally) been messing with my head…
I spoke up the other day, telling you that the energy between us has felt different than what it was over the weekend. Yet I’m still the one texting first, I’m trying to make conversation and be a part of your day. I’m still going to be your friend, no matter what. But if you’re not interested please don’t lead me on.
The last conversation we had last night is telling me that your ex popping back into your life to say hello and she misses you is really consuming you… which tells me that even though you thought you were over her, you may not actually be. So imma step back I guess.
I’m so scared to truly put my heart out there again. I want to, and this time of year doesn’t help my loneliness. Time to take care of me.
I’m going to attempt to make this a healing weekend. Planting flower seeds, spending time with my kids, baking, reading, probably giving the dogs a bath (although that’ll be a point of soreness and stress, but they definitely need it)… Time to focus on what’s immediately in front of me and not be glued to my phone or video games.
Don’t get me wrong – when the sun goes down I’ll probably be on Fortnite or Marvel Rivals. Just gonna do real-world stuff too. Keep myself busy so I’m not driving myself crazy.
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“Ask me to come by, tell me I’ll wake up in your arms…”
One of my goals for the year was spending more time with my friends and growing those friendships which have been helping to pull me out of my depressive episodes. I’m happy to say that so far in January, I’ve gotten to spend time with friends twice. One of them was for a friend’s birthday at the beginning of the month, and on Saturday some of us gathered again to celebrate a different friend’s birthday.
We went to a place in the Charlotte area that was doing karaoke. I did not get up in front of everyone to sing, but I did sing along from my seat while some of those friends belted out amazing renditions of their chosen songs. I also happened to see some folks that I hadn’t seen in like 7 years! It was great to see them again, meet one of the friend’s spouse who I love, and honestly can’t wait to hang out with again.
It was a wonderful weekend. I’m truly blessed to know these people.
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“Look at you, cool guy, you got it…”
If I’m being honest… AI worries me. I get that it can make things easier, that our lives can be better with some of the things Artificial Intelligence can do for us. However…
I don’t like the idea of using AI to create things like art or music. I realize I may be in the minority on this. I know someone personally that has used AI to create books that they sell on Amazon (including coloring books that, to be honest, aren’t the greatest because of errors that a human would have noticed). They use AI to create music (both by writing lyrics and generating the music). They use AI to create avatars and to even have full-on conversations on websites in order to create content.
It just all feels ingenuine.
The person that I mentioned will send me audio clips to listen to for some feedback on a song that their AI program created. They fully intend on releasing some of this music on the streaming platforms and even have an AI-generated “person” as the album artwork and such.
That really, really bothers me.
I love music and art. Many times when I find a song I like, I dig in to see what the other songs by that artist are like. I look up tour dates, I check out their online presence, I really want to do my research to see what kind of person/people have created the art I had been enjoying.
If I were to come across this AI-generated artist, I fully believe that the person I know will have used AI to generate social media posts and maybe even generated images of that avatar performing shows that never actually happened. I wouldn’t put it past them.
While I understand there are many AI things out there like music and art, and that I may have even been someone to enjoy what they’ve created, I would really rather my art be created by someone with a pulse, not microchips and processors.
Just my two cents.
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“‘This doesn’t hurt’ she says, ‘I finally had enough’…”
I don’t really have the magic of Christmas nor the holiday spirit right now… I’m not ready for Christmas to be here – yet it’s 6 days away.
Money is so freaking tight right now. 🙁 I know there’s a friend that would help me out if I asked, I just don’t want to ask. I have unfortunately maxed out my credit cards, which I know isn’t good either…
So my kids won’t have a big Christmas this year. I’ll try to make it up to them next year.
Just stressin’ about the holidays.
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“I will be there, I will be the smallest piece in everything…”
I have found an amazing chosen family.
We had a Friendsgiving a couple weekends ago. My best friends are people I met through our “podcast group”. One of my friends from many years ago started a podcast (a couple of years back), and it’s turned into a big community of friends. There’s a lot of different things that we do in this community (game nights, podcast, book club, etc). A month or so back, I asked about building a website for the community. I launched it last Wednesday, by the way.
But I digress…
At our Friendsgiving, we were told there’s a video going live on the YouTube at 8pm so we all had to be present to watch. At 8pm sharp, we were all in the living room at my friend’s house… watching.
The video that started playing was a Thank You video. For ME. Many of the community members had recorded a thank you video and the podcast / community leader compiled them all into a 6 minute video.
They also handed me a thank you card.
I cried, y’all. I cried and cried. I still get teary when I think about it and watch the video.
I have watched that video about once a day (sometimes more) and looked at the card more times than I can count.
My chosen family means the world to me. (My blood family does too, but that’s not the point of this post.) I am truly blessed to know them. These people have good in their hearts, they have love in their spirit, they have raggedy in their veins. (hahaha). I love them so very much. I’d do just about anything for them.
They’re my people. <3
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“You never know when something will never happen again…”
There’s a lot (LOT) I want and need to say. I just don’t really have the time. Nor do I think I have the energy.
One thing I noticed recently is that my dog is more like me than I’m willing to admit. XD
About a month ago, I went to a Halloween party with friends. I kept making my way outside to clear my head, to just sit there and stare at the sky. People asked if I was ok, and I was… just dealing with some stuff internally.
Fast-forward to a couple days later, I notice my dog doing the exact same thing. Penny wanted to go outside a LOT, and she’d just lay in the grass in the sun, staring at nothing.
Just being alone. With her thoughts.
And it hit me, she’s just freaking like me.
I guess the universe knows what it’s doing when it pairs you with your pets. (Not that I ever questioned it.)
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“Well, everyone I know has got a reason to say put the past away…”
My mother in law died.
It’s weird, thinking about her like that… considering her son, my husband, has been dead for 10 years. Is she still even my mother in law? I mean I guess so, since I never remarried…
She was in her 80s and she had Parkinson’s. I hadn’t spent a lot of time with her in the past few years… because it’s difficult for me. Plus I didn’t really feel very welcome in her home.
But yeah. My mother in law died. On top of everything else going on, I certainly didn’t expect that news today.
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“How you gonna ever find your place runnin at artificial pace?”
A lot has happened since my last post.
First of all, my community has been very hard-hit by Hurricane Helene. That’s a post for another time.
But my Spidey senses are telling me that someone has kinda sorta moved on. They’ve stopped breadcrumbing me. In fact, during the height of the hurricane aftermath they basically gave up on me. Stopped trying to reach out and see if I was ok. It was more fun to go out on the town and drink the night away. Not saying I blame them… just made me realize my place.
Honestly? If they’ve found someone then I am super duper happy for them!!! The moment I realized that might be what’s happening made me smile, because this person deserves happiness.
But dude. Don’t forget about your friends. About the ones that try their best to lift you up and help you to be better.
I’m struggling and you don’t give a crap about it.
So when I am not the same person that you left, just remember you pushed me into this corner.
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“Darlin don’t get too close, there’s nothing here to see.”
I’m about to make a difficult decision.
I want to let go but it’s so difficult when my heart says one thing and my brain says another.
Keep showing me who you are.
“The ones who want to be in your life will show up with consistency.”I’m consistent. I show up. I support wholeheartedly.
I don’t get this back in return. And I guess I shouldn’t expect it. We aren’t anything, are we? Kind of friends… but only when you have time. Only when you want to vent about something or need my help or opinion on something… it all revolves around you.
I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.
I just want someone to want me. I want someone to want to show up for me, to want to hear about my day, to want to know what’s going on in my life. Someone that wants to know what made me smile that day, or what made me sad that day.
What we tolerate, we show others is OK.
Just about done tolerating.
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“The credits are rolling, I’m still holding on.”
It’s really funny how things hit you out of the blue sometimes.
soooooo, full disclosure (because I’m not sure I mentioned it before), I’m in a book club. We get together virtually every couple of weeks and discuss the book we read. And if I’m being honest… most of the books are romance/smutty. LOL, because who doesn’t wanna read about other people’s fun? 😉
I’m able to work in a few pages here and there during my workday while things are running or I’m waiting on something. In the current book we are reading, there’s a fireman who’s neighbor to his (younger) love interest. They just finished dinner at his place and she was about to head home – literally 15 feet away. He says “I’ll walk you.” She says she’s not a kid and he says “Don’t argue with me. It’s dark. You know how I am.”
That got me thinking.
Recent men in my life haven’t cared to walk me to my car, or walk me to the door, or whatever. Yes, I’m definitely not a child… I’m a 40-something woman who’s pretty independent. But – Why do I put up with men that don’t care much about my safety? Do men just not typically do things like that anymore? I do hear “text me when you get home” majority of the time, but that’s about it.
Maybe I’m overthinking it. Or maybe men are not willing to walk down/up flights of stairs to walk me back to my vehicle to make sure I get there safely.
The *only* person in the past year that I can recall that has walked me to my car wasn’t even a love interest. They were a friend. Last October I had hung out with my friends in a city 2 hours away. After we had dinner then went to the brewery, we walked to our friends house to hang for about an hour. When everyone was leaving, they all had to walk one direction, and my car was not too far in the opposite direction. The friend who’s house we were at was the one to walk me to my car. It was a nice feeling, knowing someone cared enough to make sure I got to my vehicle safely.
Hmm. I’m gonna be seeing that same friend this weekend. Maybe I bring it up to the group to see if other men friends in the group care enough to walk a woman to her car.
Ok, back to work now while I evaluate my life choices.
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“If everything is nothing, then are we anything?”
It’s funny how certain things invoke nostalgia…
This morning on my way into work I bought a bag of Halloween candy. An assorted mix with Reeses, KitKat, Whoppers, Hershey’s bars, etc. I keep the candy bowl stocked up in the office for customers (and us), and I like to keep the good stuff on hand. We had been out for a few weeks and I decided that today was the day.
While eating my lunch, I grabbed a couple of the Reeses pumpkins and a pack of the Whoppers.
I had forgotten how much I love Whoppers, and how every time I eat them they remind me of Halloween when I was a kid. I remember trick-or-treating in the cold weather. I remember our candy bowl at home having Milk Duds and Whoppers for any trick-or-treaters that stopped by our house. Fall is my favorite time of year, and this candy just makes me feel like a kid again.
Happy memories. <3
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“I want you to notice when I’m not around…”
Good grief it has been a busy day so far. And the day is only about 2/3 over!
Got up, did a little meditation. Got on Fortnite for about an hour. Hopped off to go do yardwork and cleaning stuff. About 1:30 decided we needed food, so I made pancakes and eggs. Then went back out to mow the yard some more. Then I came in to shower…
I’ll be drying my hair soon then going to the grocery store. Meeting up with some out of town family for dinner at 6, then coming home to play some more video games. Gonna be a heck of a day!
Funny thing. I had saved this as a draft before heading to the grocery store. I was listening to Creep which is why the song lyrics are the title of the blog post…
Apparently somebody did notice when I wasn’t around. I got a few texts and a phone call (which I couldn’t answer really due to the fact that I was in the middle of nowhere with no good signal). It’s nice to be missed.
Ok, time to get on Fortnite now. Later friends.
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“And all the memories we cling to will fade with time…”
I’m glad to have a working computer at home… well, it works some of the time. I’m thinking that it’s about time I begin writing my book. Or maybe the first of many books.
I’m currently part of a book club (which is pretty much just a smut book club haha), and while I think I could write a lot of stories they would enjoy… I think my first story will be semi-autobiographical. Not exactly a memoir, but pulled from events in my life. Not exact details, not the exact events, but similar. Inspired by my very own struggles and turmoil.
I’ve always wanted to write a book. I’m going to make it happen.
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“Blueberries and butterflies, the pretty things that greet my eyes…”
again with the mainfestation stuff.
I feel like something big is around the corner.
The love I’ve been searching for is gonna find me. It’s going to be like nothing I’ve ever experienced yet everything I’ve always wanted. The one who loves me as I am, faults and all. They will work through my traumas with me. They will make me feel more than I ever knew I could. …and I’ve felt a lot.
My financial situation will get significantly better too.
I refuse the things that are only going to confuse me.
I attract, I don’t chase.
What I desire, desires me more.
That’s all for today. <3
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“Am I wasting my breath? Probably…”
I recently heard the phrase “A crush is just a lack of information” and I have learned how true it is.
The crush phase is when you’re kind of obsessed with somebody – because you don’t truly know them yet.
When you spend more time with and learn more about your crush, things change.
Gotta decide if this is really what you wanna be attached to… or if you’re good to move on.
Not gonna lie… it feels like a lot right now. I don’t think that’s what I want to be attached to in more than a friendship way. I think.
Lots to think on.
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“If everything could ever feel this real forever…”
Fortnite is fun. At first I hated the different creative maps, but some of them are actually fun.
Festival mode is my jam, I absolutely love going in and playing the different songs. I just wish some of my friends wanted to play too.
I don’t really mess with Lego Fortnite that often… but Battle Royale is where it’s at.
I’ve been gaming with a really fun group of military veterans and their dependents and supporters. They really have welcomed me with open arms, even though I’m not as cracked as they are.
I have played Fortnite for 4 years now. I can honestly say that when you’re playing with friends, with people that can accept that you’re not nearly as good as they are but they want you to play anyway? It’s a good feeling.
They’re my family. I love them.
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Mantras and affirmations
So I’m trying to manifest some stuff.
I don’t chase, I attract.
What ever I desire, desires me more.It’s about time I get treated the way I deserve.
I’m tired of running around with my feelings in charge.Whatever is mine will find me.
Whomever is mine will put forth the effort and I won’t have to wonder.
I’m about to get a very big blessing.
That’s all for now.
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“I’m kind of unpredictable, I swear to God I’ll only make you miserable…”
Ever have those days where all you really need is a big fucking hug squeezed so tight that it just puts everything back together?
Because that’s something I need. And I can’t get it. I’m in a bad mental place.Holding on is hard. I’m tired of it.
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“She’s a girl with the best intentions, he’s a man of his own invention…”
I’ve already threatened to stab somebody at work. XD
Don’t worry… I’m not going to actually stab somebody. The person I threatened was my first husband anyway, he’s safe from stabbing.
But speaking of work, it’s getting really stressful. I’m looking forward to the long weekend; it’s only TUESDAY.
I need to get things lined up for the next concert of the year. I want to go see Sister Hazel soon. They’re the only band I’ve seen so far this year and due to other artists cancelling (or my general not being able to go), they’re also next on the list. They’ve released a couple of songs since I saw them last, so I’m really looking forward to the next show!
Last thought for the moment… Everyone is fighting a battle daily, whether it’s with people in their worlds or the battles inside their heads. Some of my friends have really been going through it lately. I want y’all to know how much I love you, how much you mean to me, and that I am here for you even when you don’t want to be here for yourself.
