“If I let this wave swallow me down…”

America’s healthcare system is a joke. Health insurance is a fake security blanket that placebos you into thinking you’re covered, but when you actually need something? Yikes.

I’m more fortunate than most, this I am 100% aware of. I am in generally good health, albeit overweight and I have some other issues that need attention… but it’s not “bad enough” that I feel like I need to seek immediate medical guidance on it.

With the exception of my freaking anxiety.

It’s to the point where I’ve mentioned actually going to see a doctor about getting medicated. Transparency: About 10 years ago I was on anxiety/depression meds for about 6 months. I took myself off of them (not smart, I know) and have been unmedicated ever since. The depression isn’t as bad as it was, but as the years go on, my anxiety going unchecked has become a big problem.

As my loving family member said to me a few weeks ago, “if it’s to the point where you think you need medication, then you probably do.” I appreciate their honesty with me. Seriously, J, you are the best for being real with me and helping me to see the steps I need to take to get this going.

I use the Healthcare marketplace because my employer doesn’t offer insurance. (We’re not a large company.) No biggie, I’ve been doing this a few years now. Each year I seem to switch to a different one, but that’s just the name of the game… you go with what you can afford, right? Typically I don’t go to the doctor. I don’t go for regular checkups. If I feel sick I deal with it using over-the-counter stuff.

Admittedly, I know this is my issue for not being thorough and thinking about my future needs… but when I logged in to check out what all my current health insurance covers and how much copays were and all…

Y’all, my PCP copay is $40.

$40 each time I need to see my PCP. Each time I would need to go in to talk about how the meds are doing, to see how it’s working with me / if I need to change it / whatever.

I can’t afford that right now. I can barely afford my bills.

So I just suffer with my (sometimes debilitating) anxiety and I keep marching on.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? Nah. What doesn’t kill you sometimes makes you wish you never existed at all.