“But I know what I know, and you’re just another dude…”

Happy New Year!

It’s really something when you realize how you’re growing and healing as a person with codependent and emotional attachment issues.

First, kind of a setback but also a rebound? Around Christmas I may have gotten a little tipsy and while texting a friend, kind of let it be known that I find them attractive, but that I figured our 11 year age gap was a problem. The next day, while sober, they brought it up again and I doubled-down, letting them know I was aware of what I said and that I meant it, I found them attractive. But that I really saw the age gap being an issue. Thankfully, we’re still friends. Not as textually active as we were (haha) but we do still text a little. It’s nice that my admission didn’t ruin the friendship. I’m not going to push it, it is what it is. Attraction on my end and I guess not much on theirs? It doesn’t matter, because it’s not something I feel like would be a good idea anyway. However I’m really proud of me for not obsessing about them. I get very easily attached and I am proud of me for having the awareness to distract myself with books or art if I start thinking about them a lot.

Speaking of a different situationship that plagued me in 2024… The one I was head-over-heels for, the one I couldn’t shake, the one I needed in my life? He basically disappeared for like six weeks. Occasionally popping online in the discords we’re both members of before disappearing again. I would reach out and send a message about once a week to check in and ask if he was ok. He always said he was (except the one weekend he was sick). Usually I got the “I’m just busy” excuse. I did reach out to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year which was met with the reciprocated reply. I said to a couple different friends that I really hoped he had found someone and that’s what was taking all of his attention! I truly mean it too, I don’t want the reason he’s pulled back to be because he’s in a depressive state or anything.

We had a friend hangout recently that he was in attendance for. I didn’t drink at all, but he did. As the night went on he talked to me more, asking if I was ok (and I always said that I was). He even asked me about the birthday party I had attended earlier that day (kinda shocked he remembered that, even though I *did* only mention it that morning when he asked what time I was arriving to our friends house). The friends wanted to play Jackbox (which I love watching them all play) and I was hanging out in the kitchen. He texted me (which shocked me) and asked why I didn’t want to come sit on the couch and hang with him. (Weird…) After that round I did go sit on the couch between him and my dear sweet friend (who was also one of the homeowners), and watched them play a few more rounds of games. It was a good time. But as the time was nearing 1:00am, I knew I really needed to get on the road.

So I said to everyone that since I had such a long drive home I needed to go, I gathered my things and got another text from him that said I was welcome to stay at his place if I wanted.

At 1am. When I was literally about to get on the road and drive for 2 hours.

Forgive me, but my flabbers were ghasted.

Mr. Situationship, did you expect me to just suddenly act like everything between us was hunky-dory? You can act like I’m not your friend for weeks but because intoxicated you (not sober you, which doesn’t want to be my friend for whatever reason) wanted me to stay over? That I would change my mind right then and there at the hint of getting to cuddle for approximately 3 minutes before you rolled over the other way and slept through the night while I laid there wondering wtf I was doing with my life?

Part of me thinks the offer was made so I would drive him home. If that was the case, just be honest. “Hey, can I get a ride home?” “Sure.” I’ve got no problems being a good friend. Being the sober person and driving the non-sober friends to their homes, getting them there safe. I truly don’t mind that.

I’m really proud of myself for replying “I already told my son I was coming home, but thanks for the offer.”

Haven’t heard a peep from him at all since.

Really not surprised.

But also, really really proud of me. I could have easily caved. And honestly, if he had brought it up way earlier in the evening, things might have been different. If he had talked to me like a friend the past few weeks or even since Christmas so the friendship could be good again, I might have stayed.

The truth of the matter is, I’m not a last minute (probably regrettable) decision. I’m plan-worthy. If you want me there, you’ll act like you want me there.

I bet he was really puzzled and likely hurt by that. That’s for him to reflect on and work through. I’m more than happy to discuss with him if he’d like.

Still really proud of me.