Self
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“‘This doesn’t hurt’ she says, ‘I finally had enough’…”
I don’t really have the magic of Christmas nor the holiday spirit right now… I’m not ready for Christmas to be here – yet it’s 6 days away.
Money is so freaking tight right now. š I know there’s a friend that would help me out if I asked, I just don’t want to ask. I have unfortunately maxed out my credit cards, which I know isn’t good either…
So my kids won’t have a big Christmas this year. I’ll try to make it up to them next year.
Just stressin’ about the holidays.
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“I will be there, I will be the smallest piece in everything…”
I have found an amazing chosen family.
We had a Friendsgiving a couple weekends ago. My best friends are people I met through our “podcast group”. One of my friends from many years ago started a podcast (a couple of years back), and it’s turned into a big community of friends. There’s a lot of different things that we do in this community (game nights, podcast, book club, etc). A month or so back, I asked about building a website for the community. I launched it last Wednesday, by the way.
But I digress…
At our Friendsgiving, we were told there’s a video going live on the YouTube at 8pm so we all had to be present to watch. At 8pm sharp, we were all in the living room at my friend’s house… watching.
The video that started playing was a Thank You video. For ME. Many of the community members had recorded a thank you video and the podcast / community leader compiled them all into a 6 minute video.
They also handed me a thank you card.
I cried, y’all. I cried and cried. I still get teary when I think about it and watch the video.
I have watched that video about once a day (sometimes more) and looked at the card more times than I can count.
My chosen family means the world to me. (My blood family does too, but that’s not the point of this post.) I am truly blessed to know them. These people have good in their hearts, they have love in their spirit, they have raggedy in their veins. (hahaha). I love them so very much. I’d do just about anything for them.
They’re my people. <3
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“You never know when something will never happen again…”
There’s a lot (LOT) I want and need to say. I just don’t really have the time. Nor do I think I have the energy.
One thing I noticed recently is that my dog is more like me than I’m willing to admit. XD
About a month ago, I went to a Halloween party with friends. I kept making my way outside to clear my head, to just sit there and stare at the sky. People asked if I was ok, and I was… just dealing with some stuff internally.
Fast-forward to a couple days later, I notice my dog doing the exact same thing. Penny wanted to go outside a LOT, and she’d just lay in the grass in the sun, staring at nothing.
Just being alone. With her thoughts.
And it hit me, she’s just freaking like me.
I guess the universe knows what it’s doing when it pairs you with your pets. (Not that I ever questioned it.)
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āHow you gonna ever find your place runnin at artificial pace?ā
A lot has happened since my last post.
First of all, my community has been very hard-hit by Hurricane Helene. Thatās a post for another time.
But my Spidey senses are telling me that someone has kinda sorta moved on. Theyāve stopped breadcrumbing me. In fact, during the height of the hurricane aftermath they basically gave up on me. Stopped trying to reach out and see if I was ok. It was more fun to go out on the town and drink the night away. Not saying I blame themā¦ just made me realize my place.
Honestly? If theyāve found someone then I am super duper happy for them!!! The moment I realized that might be whatās happening made me smile, because this person deserves happiness.
But dude. Donāt forget about your friends. About the ones that try their best to lift you up and help you to be better.
Iām struggling and you donāt give a crap about it.
So when I am not the same person that you left, just remember you pushed me into this corner.
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“Darlin don’t get too close, there’s nothing here to see.”
I’m about to make a difficult decision.
I want to let go but it’s so difficult when my heart says one thing and my brain says another.
Keep showing me who you are.
“The ones who want to be in your life will show up with consistency.”I’m consistent. I show up. I support wholeheartedly.
I don’t get this back in return. And I guess I shouldn’t expect it. We aren’t anything, are we? Kind of friends… but only when you have time. Only when you want to vent about something or need my help or opinion on something… it all revolves around you.
I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.
I just want someone to want me. I want someone to want to show up for me, to want to hear about my day, to want to know what’s going on in my life. Someone that wants to know what made me smile that day, or what made me sad that day.
What we tolerate, we show others is OK.
Just about done tolerating.
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“The credits are rolling, I’m still holding on.”
It’s really funny how things hit you out of the blue sometimes.
soooooo, full disclosure (because I’m not sure I mentioned it before), I’m in a book club. We get together virtually every couple of weeks and discuss the book we read. And if I’m being honest… most of the books are romance/smutty. LOL, because who doesn’t wanna read about other people’s fun? š
I’m able to work in a few pages here and there during my workday while things are running or I’m waiting on something. In the current book we are reading, there’s a fireman who’s neighbor to his (younger) love interest. They just finished dinner at his place and she was about to head home – literally 15 feet away. He says “I’ll walk you.” She says she’s not a kid and he says “Don’t argue with me. It’s dark. You know how I am.”
That got me thinking.
Recent men in my life haven’t cared to walk me to my car, or walk me to the door, or whatever. Yes, I’m definitely not a child… I’m a 40-something woman who’s pretty independent. But – Why do I put up with men that don’t care much about my safety? Do men just not typically do things like that anymore? I do hear “text me when you get home” majority of the time, but that’s about it.
Maybe I’m overthinking it. Or maybe men are not willing to walk down/up flights of stairs to walk me back to my vehicle to make sure I get there safely.
The *only* person in the past year that I can recall that has walked me to my car wasn’t even a love interest. They were a friend. Last October I had hung out with my friends in a city 2 hours away. After we had dinner then went to the brewery, we walked to our friends house to hang for about an hour. When everyone was leaving, they all had to walk one direction, and my car was not too far in the opposite direction. The friend who’s house we were at was the one to walk me to my car. It was a nice feeling, knowing someone cared enough to make sure I got to my vehicle safely.
Hmm. I’m gonna be seeing that same friend this weekend. Maybe I bring it up to the group to see if other men friends in the group care enough to walk a woman to her car.
Ok, back to work now while I evaluate my life choices.
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“Misdirecting my affection, Guess I haven’t learned my lesson.”
What a whirlwind. This will be a long post, btw.
About a week ago, someone came into my life on a personal level. They were an acquaintance through work, but I had taken care of a project for one of their family members. I had emailed and spoken to this person on the phone a few times. Thursday the project was done, so they came to pick it up in person.
Not gonna lie, dude was attractive. He talked to me and my coworker for a bit before he left.
…yet he continued to email me for the rest of the workday. Conversation was good, so I ended up sending emails from my personal email address. Dude was being flirty, and hey – I liked the attention… so why not?
We talked for a couple days over email, then moved it over to WhatsApp. We talked pretty consistently and regularly over there. Even tipsyJenn got in on it the other night, and I got wayyyyy too flirty, which he seemed to enjoy.
But yesterday things came to a halt. And I’m bothered by it, so I wanna talk about it.
I had this feeling gnawing at me, like there was something else going on… maybe he is married and just good at hiding it. I pushed it aside, knowing we weren’t doing anything except messaging and flirting some, so was it really so bad?
Yesterday I spoke to one of my coworkers from a different shop, and they have been friends with this dude for like 30 years. I didn’t ask my coworker about the guy because there were people around, but I DID message the guy and said “Just spoke to [coworker]. I swear if people hadn’t been nearby I would have asked him about you lol”
He replies “LOL!! That’s funny…….
that might not be a good idea though.
[My coworker] will talk to [owner of his place of business] and he will flip the hell out if he knows you and I “talk” with you working for [my boss]…
I know its none of his business but if [my coworker] says something then [his business owner] will lose his marbles bad…I simply respond with “(thinking emoji) “Why?”
His reply:
“As a business owner he sees that we (business owners) [context: this dude is the VP of the company] can’t have anything but professional contact with customers or businesses that we do business with… I know that’s crazy but I can partly understand that…”I read and re-read that message for a few minutes before replying with:
“That makes me sad, honestly. 1, that somebody else is butting into business that doesn’t concern them and 2, …I mean, come on, I work with my ex husband. I’m not your typical person that holds grudges, stuff wouldn’t affect business…. 3, so this is just for funsies then right? Like what if we had met outside of the workplace and then we figured out our companies do business with each other?”Him:
“I know… we have a policy in our corporate stuff about personal relationship conflicts with vendors and customers of some sort. I think its to not jeopardize the business relationship or something like that…
Funsies? You mean just for fun? That’s not what I meant by telling you that you know. I just met you and its Way More than just funsies!!! We will have to see where we go as friends of the same interests…? “But this isn’t sitting right with me. I reply:
“The business relationship in this instance wouldn’t be affected, honestly I don’t see how it could. These are [my boss’s] companies and all I am to him is an employee, not anyone that actually has any kind of power about anything. But whatever.
And by “just for funsies” I mean it was only intended to be talking because you knew it wasn’t going anywhere.”Him:
“I completely understand what you are saying. That’s not at all why I started talking to you. I was very impressed with you especially when I met you the other day and I wanted to get to know you. I didn’t and don’t have any thoughts to just talk to you because I think it’s just fun. No way.”And my reply:
“I’m just really confused. And honestly, I can’t tell if I’m sad or hurt. Pretty much because I don’t understand. Sorry, I’m just trying to process this.”Him:
“There’s no way in a million years I’d wanna make you sad or hurt you.
You’re not gonna talk to me anymore?
I sure hope you don’t decide to do that…”Me:
“I didn’t say that I wouldn’t talk to you anymore. I’m just trying to understand what the heck is happening.”Him:
“Maybe I can try hard to re-explain what I sent you earlier??? I really don’t wanna be in a position where you won’t talk to me. Really I don’t.
… [him saying he has an appointment with a client coming up and will be unavailable for conversation]…
But I will message you in a bit.”Me:
“We’re good. Take care of your customers. We can talk later. Maybe actually talk on the phone or something?”Him:
“You are sweet!”{Radio silence beginning at 1:09pm Wednesday}
He hadn’t even opened WhatsApp. I checked it a few times throughout the evening.
I sent a message at 9:42pm saying
“So you don’t want to talk to me?”{Continued silence.}
When I get up this morning I do open WhatsApp just to see if he had been on at all. Still said he was “last seen at 1:09pm”. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmok.
My phone dinged at 6:43am as I was driving to work.
“I’m sorry. Yesterday turned into a shit show. My dad fell yesterday and ended up at the hospital and I was there until 2am this morning.”
When I got to work I replied:
(6:58am) “How’s your dad doing?”(8:18am) “He’s stable, but they are still running tests. [proceeds to tell me what happened and how bad the injuries are.] I appreciate you asking.”
Me: (8:22am) “Of course, if there’s anything I can do let me know. I hate that this happened.”
{it’s currently 9:40am and no additional communication; he hasn’t even seen my message.}
So, dearest gentle readers… I’m obviously being played. But I’m trying to figure out to what extent. The dad thing could be for real, but for somebody that was even remotely interested in the person they were “talking” to… knowing that there was a need for an important conversation… wouldn’t you at least send some kind of text message between 1:09pm and midnight to indicate that there was some kind of incident keeping you from doing such things?
I’m understanding when it comes to family situations, and emergency situations… heck I can understand being busy with work or WHATEVER. But freaking communicate. Leaving me hanging for hours did nothing positive for you, only solidified the fact that this was all fun and games to you… playing me for a fool.
Part of me still thinks he’s married. Or in some kind of relationship that doesn’t leave him as free to talk.
To quote a fantastic song by one of my favorite bands Arrows In Action,
“Tired of feeling like the party’s over
When everybody says it’s just begun
A buck short and another day older
Guess I can’t outrun the sun
Not made of money, but it’s making sense
When how it goes just becomes how it went
Misdirecting my affection,
Guess I haven’t learned my lesson.” -
“If everything is nothing, then are we anything?”
It’s funny how certain things invoke nostalgia…
This morning on my way into work I bought a bag of Halloween candy. An assorted mix with Reeses, KitKat, Whoppers, Hershey’s bars, etc. I keep the candy bowl stocked up in the office for customers (and us), and I like to keep the good stuff on hand. We had been out for a few weeks and I decided that today was the day.
While eating my lunch, I grabbed a couple of the Reeses pumpkins and a pack of the Whoppers.
I had forgotten how much I love Whoppers, and how every time I eat them they remind me of Halloween when I was a kid. I remember trick-or-treating in the cold weather. I remember our candy bowl at home having Milk Duds and Whoppers for any trick-or-treaters that stopped by our house. Fall is my favorite time of year, and this candy just makes me feel like a kid again.
Happy memories. <3
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“And all the memories we cling to will fade with time…”
I’m glad to have a working computer at home… well, it works some of the time. I’m thinking that it’s about time I begin writing my book. Or maybe the first of many books.
I’m currently part of a book club (which is pretty much just a smut book club haha), and while I think I could write a lot of stories they would enjoy… I think my first story will be semi-autobiographical. Not exactly a memoir, but pulled from events in my life. Not exact details, not the exact events, but similar. Inspired by my very own struggles and turmoil.
I’ve always wanted to write a book. I’m going to make it happen.
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“Blueberries and butterflies, the pretty things that greet my eyes…”
again with the mainfestation stuff.
I feel like something big is around the corner.
The love I’ve been searching for is gonna find me. It’s going to be like nothing I’ve ever experienced yet everything I’ve always wanted. The one who loves me as I am, faults and all. They will work through my traumas with me. They will make me feel more than I ever knew I could. …and I’ve felt a lot.
My financial situation will get significantly better too.
I refuse the things that are only going to confuse me.
I attract, I don’t chase.
What I desire, desires me more.
That’s all for today. <3
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“Am I wasting my breath? Probably…”
I recently heard the phrase “A crush is just a lack of information” and I have learned how true it is.
The crush phase is when you’re kind of obsessed with somebody – because you don’t truly know them yet.
When you spend more time with and learn more about your crush, things change.
Gotta decide if this is really what you wanna be attached to… or if you’re good to move on.
Not gonna lie… it feels like a lot right now. I don’t think that’s what I want to be attached to in more than a friendship way. I think.
Lots to think on.
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Mantras and affirmations
So I’m trying to manifest some stuff.
I don’t chase, I attract.
What ever I desire, desires me more.It’s about time I get treated the way I deserve.
I’m tired of running around with my feelings in charge.Whatever is mine will find me.
Whomever is mine will put forth the effort and I won’t have to wonder.
I’m about to get a very big blessing.
That’s all for now.
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āIām kind of unpredictable, I swear to God Iāll only make you miserableā¦ā
Ever have those days where all you really need is a big fucking hug squeezed so tight that it just puts everything back together?
Because thatās something I need. And I canāt get it. Iām in a bad mental place.Holding on is hard. Iām tired of it.
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“She’s a girl with the best intentions, he’s a man of his own invention…”
I’ve already threatened to stab somebody at work. XD
Don’t worry… I’m not going to actually stab somebody. The person I threatened was my first husband anyway, he’s safe from stabbing.
But speaking of work, it’s getting really stressful. I’m looking forward to the long weekend; it’s only TUESDAY.
I need to get things lined up for the next concert of the year. I want to go see Sister Hazel soon. They’re the only band I’ve seen so far this year and due to other artists cancelling (or my general not being able to go), they’re also next on the list. They’ve released a couple of songs since I saw them last, so I’m really looking forward to the next show!
Last thought for the moment… Everyone is fighting a battle daily, whether it’s with people in their worlds or the battles inside their heads. Some of my friends have really been going through it lately. I want y’all to know how much I love you, how much you mean to me, and that I am here for you even when you don’t want to be here for yourself.
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“It’s true that I’m probably not worth the battery life.”
Boy has it been a rough day.
Work was really busy, I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t get caught up.
I’ve also gotten in my head about what exactly this friendship situation means… and let me tell ya why.
Something really funny happened via text message today between me and my oldest. I immediately screenshot it and as I’m about to type up the text message, it hits me.
I need clarification on just what kind of “friendship” we are having. Is it the type where yeah, we’re friends but more like acquaintences.
Or is it TRUE friends, the ones you send funny memes and pictures to, the ones you have inside jokes with, the ones that really want to hear from you even if it’s mundane stupid stuff? Because that’s what I had… that’s what I miss… and I want to know if I still have it, or if it’s changed now.
I realize things are still really raw with this situation. I’m still crying over it, grieving over what I’ve lost… but there are moments of happiness. Like last night, we had planned to do a discord call to talk about some things related to their online presence and streaming stuff. It was nice to just talk and brainstorm… but we didn’t talk TOO much about stuff outside of the streaming things. Which I realized this afternoon, when I wanted to send that text…
So I think I’m just gonna sit on this for a while.
If I get the chance to talk one-on-one with him I may bring it up…
but we’ll see.We’ll see.
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“What a twisted fate, always ends this way…”
I went to Walmart before work this morning.
As I’m grabbing some soda, the Pepsi guy was in the aisle. “Good morning” he says to me.
“Good morning” I reply.
Him: “How are you doing?“
Me: “I’m alright, how are you?“
Him: “I’m good.“
*I continue to deliberate over which soda I want*
Him: “I am such a liar…“
Me: *looks over at the Pepsi guy* “So you aren’t good?“
Him: “Nah. It’s my first day back from vacation.“
Me: “Ah, those are always pretty rough.“
*awkward silence*
Then he walks over to the next aisle.A lot of the time, we hide what and how we are really feeling because of pleasantries, or not wanting to burden someone. I could have been honest and told him my brain was torturing me over a situation that happened last night, but I didn’t… 1, because I don’t know him, and 2, because I just wanted to get on with my day.
However, if dude really needed to talk about how he’s not OK? I would have been a listening ear.
It’s OK to not be Ok, it’s OK to talk to people when you need to, and if you feel like a complete stranger is the one to talk to – ask if you can vent to them or whatever. I wouldn’t have minded.
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“Not gonna over think or over stress about forever, you and I don’t need that pressure…”
After about 30 hours in turmoil, I’m doing a lot better.
Yesterday morning I sent an apology video.
Yesterday mid-afternoon, I got a text reply.
I’m thrilled that he wants to stay friends with me. Thankfully, I think only being about 6 weeks into something gives us the ability to keep the friendship intact.
Time to work on myself some more and keep on keepin’ on.
Time for more art and craft stuff. More gardening. More time with my pupper.
Time to get my house in order, there’s a lot of work that needs to be done. Perhaps I’ll pick up some skills along the way (gotta figure out how to do the drywall thing).
And time to cultivate MORE friendships other than the ones I’ve been clinging to for the past two months. These friends are great, don’t get me wrong – but I am going to put the effort into growing friendships with some of my lady friends. It’s time.
What a difference a day makes. <3
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“Bring on another breakdown…”
Here comes the overthinker, yet again.
Really struggling today.
Not gonna go in-depth about it. Just wanted to acknowledge that I’m struggling with my emotions.
I wanna shout from the rooftops that this dude makes my heart happy. I wanna not have to worry that my skeletons will scare him away. I wanna not overthink. I wanna finally let some of our friends in on it… I wanna go on more dates with him. I wanna spend more time with him. I wanna just BE with him.
I need to have a difficult conversation with him, I just literally can’t until next weekend. This one has to be a face-to-face conversation.
I guess then I’ll know if he truly wants to stick it out, or if it’s too much.
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“No don’t get stressed it’s gon’ get figured out…”
Having weekend plans that donāt involve the person you are seeing is a struggle as a codependent.
Also, trying to work on your codependency and recognizing when youāre exhibiting codependent behaviors is a struggle.
This weekend I was at an event in a couple hours away from home. Itās an event that I try to volunteer for every year.
I made plans to stay with my ex-boyfriendās family because it was near their city. They are still very dear to me, we talk pretty much weekly, and I love them! They understand that just because it didnāt work out with their son and I, doesnāt mean that we canāt still have a friendship.
Friday night I told my dearest friend that I volunteer with about how things were going a lot better for me recently. I told her I have even started opening myself up to the idea of being with somebody again. Including, you know, a guy that I was kind of currently interested in. She said to me “just be careful and donāt lose yourself.” She has seen me go through multiple relationships that were not good for me. For her to say this really has kind of sat with me all weekend long.
I did talk to my dude a couple of timesā¦ Well actually more than a couple of times this weekend. I talked to him some on Friday as I was driving into the city, I talked to him Friday evening when I was driving to the event, and I talked to him Friday evening when I was on my way back to my friends house. Then we texted and talked a little online that night, and that was that. The next day of course I sent a good morning text, he sent one back once he woke up, but then we didnāt really talk for many hours.I have realized that I anxiously await his text tone. When I do receive a text, I get that dopamine hit and itās like an addiction. Knowing that, itās really hard to not want to text all the time just to get that dopamine hit again. However, it seems like heās not as big on textingā¦ Sometimes, sure, but if heās busy, then heāll get to my message when he gets to my message. And thatās hard for me. It shouldn’t be! But it is. This is nothing against him. This is me recognizing and putting words to my actions, and seeing what Iām doing, so I can actively try to do better.
He seems like an incredibly secure person. He doesnāt have the anxiety like I do when it comes to life in general, especially relationships. So this is different, this whole thing feels different to meā¦ And I canāt really put a finger on it. Donāt know if this is too different that I can’t handle it, or if this is what a healthy relationship looks like, and I need to just reign myself inā¦ Iām leaning towards that last one. If this is what healthy looks like, and my crazies aren’t scaring him away, then I owe it to him to work on myself and make this less difficult. He deserves a healthy person on the opposite side too.
I know we are not an official anything right now. But talking to him about my feelings is hard… all while trying to not give off stage five clinger vibes. I am really having to be aware about what it is that Iām doing in order to not being a clingy person. Anxious attachment styles really suck. But at least Iām aware of it, and Iām actively trying to do better.
Sorry for the jumbled rambles. This is just what’s inside my head. Again, I’m trying to put it into actual words so I can see it for what it is (anxiety), try to figure out why I’m feeling that way (my past, most likely), and recognize what the healthy thing to do in this situation is. That’s all.
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“brush your shoulders off, life’s gonna work it out.”
Boy, do I overreact. XD
Yesterday when I was leaving work, I got a phone call from him. Total surprise!! We talked as I drove (through the heavy rain storm we were having) to the shopping center where I went to go pick out a dress for the event this weekend. I went into the store, and he asked if I would call him back when I left. (Of course I did.) Then I called him and we talked until he needed to go Facetime his child, and I texted him to let him know I was home.
We played a couple games together later in the evening, then still texted a few times. But as he sent me a goodnight message, I was typing up my goodnight message, and I told him that I wanted to thank him; the fact that we have talked a lot has really helped ‘calm my crazy’ and I had been really really happy, so I thanked him for making my day better. I shared more, also saying “(Also hoping that by sharing how I’m feeling it won’t freak you out.)”
His reply was:
Don’t mind me, just swooning over here. š
Let me remember this the next time I start down my anxiety spiral.
