Self
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“Kept on the inside and no sunlight, sometimes a shadow wins…”
Overthinking is the absolute worst.
I’ve got so much turmoil in this ol’ noggin of mine.
On the one hand, I feel like I’m simply overreacting, and I need to clearly communicate my needs to see if this will work out.
On the other hand, part of me is screaming ‘they’re showing you who they are, why aren’t you seeing it?‘
Depending on how the afternoon and evening goes, I may be doing the brave thing and having a conversation about my needs. But is it too soon? Probably, but I want to be clear. Communication is something we both stated was important to us, so when there are these unsure feelings I would think that they would want me to come to them with my troubles.
…
In other news, I really want to go shopping for the event I’m attending this weekend, so I may be doing that tonight too. ha!
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“…someday I’ll be everything to somebody else.”
I know I wrote about crushes recently… and here’s another post about the one I’m currently having. lol
As a person who has codependent tendencies, yet has learned a lot and is really trying to be different this time around, man crushes are difficult!
The guy I’m into is a gamer. (Not surprising, we had been playing the same game together a lot and did a bit of bonding and such that way.) My brain knows that a lot of the time that we aren’t talking (and he’s not at work or sleeping or taking care of his child), he’s probably gaming.
Yet all I want to do is text him and talk to him. I know (I KNOW) that’s unhealthy. I get sad when I can’t talk to him — but only momentarily. Even today, right now, as a working woman at her job, I wish I could talk to him. But I know he’s working. I’m not going to get in the way of his job and his livelihood just because I can’t get a grip on my emotions. That’s a very selfish thing to do. So I take a deep breath, recognize that what I am feeling is silly, and start to focus on something else (some of my work, a hobby, talking to other friends, whatever). It helps.
In this department, any growth is positive, right?
Something else I have noticed about him… he makes me feel safe.
We played a “20 questions” type game where we took turns asking questions of each other (and after we answered each other’s question, we would typically answer our own question before moving on to the next one). Some of his answers really hit me as being mature and swoon-worthy. He even has a favorite flower (and it was original, not basic flowers that every man knows)! I’ve heard him talking to his child on the phone and when the child was with him recently, even heard him interacting with other children… He’s a really good father and a wonderful man. Strong and sensitive and smart. What more could you ask for?
I really like him and I don’t want to mess this up. Therefore, gotta try to keep my anxieties and emotions in check.
Struggles of a codependent XD
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“Living life and soaking up the memories…”
I had one of the best days of my life yesterday.
Met up with a friend; they drove an hour and a half to hang out with me. I was planning to attend an event sort of related to my workplace (one of our customers was having an event), and invited them along. After a bit, we went to grab lunch. We hung out and talked for a while more (fully enjoying the air conditioning), then went back to the customer’s place for the final scheduled parts of the event.
After that we went for ice cream. š That’s definitely one of my favorite parts of the day. We sat in the car and talked some more, then we went axe throwing. Then we went to one of the only local places to have a drink, and talked some more. I totally lost track of time.
My legs hurt today from all the standing and walking. While it “wasn’t a date”, but just “two friends hanging out”… I’m looking forward to seeing them again. Perhaps soon enough they will want an actual date? Stay tuned, friendos.
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“I’ll pretend my ship’s not sinking…”
Nicotine Dolls are coming back to Charlotte in October. š I’m beyond excited and I bought my tickets THE DAY they went on sale!
In other news… Crushes, man. They’re so fun yet so scary at the same time.
Why do I do this to myself? I’m trying to remember that crushes are OK to have but also to not make it my entire focus, ya know? Stop obsessing over things I have no control over.Last but not least, why does the cat wait until I’m actively using the laptop to try to walk all over it? She’s on my last nerve. XD
Later, taters.
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“All those words came undone…”
10 years have passed.
10 years since I have feared for my life like never before.
10 years since I was simultaneously sure and unsure of something.
10 years since I last saw them.
10 years since just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.A lot happens in 10 yearsā¦
a lot.Here’s to moving forward wiser, smarter, and eventually happier.
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“If I let this wave swallow me down…”
America’s healthcare system is a joke. Health insurance is a fake security blanket that placebos you into thinking you’re covered, but when you actually need something? Yikes.
I’m more fortunate than most, this I am 100% aware of. I am in generally good health, albeit overweight and I have some other issues that need attention… but it’s not “bad enough” that I feel like I need to seek immediate medical guidance on it.
With the exception of my freaking anxiety.
It’s to the point where I’ve mentioned actually going to see a doctor about getting medicated. Transparency: About 10 years ago I was on anxiety/depression meds for about 6 months. I took myself off of them (not smart, I know) and have been unmedicated ever since. The depression isn’t as bad as it was, but as the years go on, my anxiety going unchecked has become a big problem.
As my loving family member said to me a few weeks ago, “if it’s to the point where you think you need medication, then you probably do.” I appreciate their honesty with me. Seriously, J, you are the best for being real with me and helping me to see the steps I need to take to get this going.
I use the Healthcare marketplace because my employer doesn’t offer insurance. (We’re not a large company.) No biggie, I’ve been doing this a few years now. Each year I seem to switch to a different one, but that’s just the name of the game… you go with what you can afford, right? Typically I don’t go to the doctor. I don’t go for regular checkups. If I feel sick I deal with it using over-the-counter stuff.
Admittedly, I know this is my issue for not being thorough and thinking about my future needs… but when I logged in to check out what all my current health insurance covers and how much copays were and all…
Y’all, my PCP copay is $40.
$40 each time I need to see my PCP. Each time I would need to go in to talk about how the meds are doing, to see how it’s working with me / if I need to change it / whatever.
I can’t afford that right now. I can barely afford my bills.
So I just suffer with my (sometimes debilitating) anxiety and I keep marching on.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? Nah. What doesn’t kill you sometimes makes you wish you never existed at all.
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“Memory… betraying me…”
Today has been a very bad brain day.
And by that I mean very anxious or depressed thoughts. Alllllllllllll day.
I’ve been functioning at work, but not efficiently.
I really hope tomorrow isn’t a bad brain day too.
Yep.
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“You sprinkle stardust on my pillow case, it’s like a moonbeam brushed across my face…”
Dreams are funny, man.
Why does our brain decide to bring back certain people randomly? Sometimes, I expect to dream about a particular person. Other times, it’s a total surprise.
The funny thing to me is, the person that visited me in my dream last night (who is someone still with us on this Earth, mind you), I haven’t seen since they were six years old. They’re almost 16 now.
In my dreams, it was the six-year old version of them. Hanging out with me.
This six year old was my best friend in the entire world. I miss them with everything I am.
Counting down the days…
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This one’s a doozy.
Buckle up, buttercup. We’re about to go on a wild ride.
My son got married last year. His wife’s birthday was last week.
Earlier last week, my sister let me know that my married son asked her to bake a birthday cake for his wife’s birthday (specifically, an angel food cake). I was a little unsure why he asked her over me (considering I’m the “baker” of the family), but I told her I’d take care of the cake so she didn’t have to.
Birthday day arrives. I have a birthday card and a gift card for my daughter-in-law. While I was at work, my son texted me saying he took his bride to Cracker Barrel for lunch. I asked if he still wanted an angel food cake with strawberries for her, since I had told my sister I was going to do it. He mentioned that her mom had made her a strawberry shortcake, but that he felt like she would like the angel food cake as well. I told him I was going to pick it up on the way home after work.
After work I stopped by the bank (payday, yay) then ran over to the grocery store. I picked up a fresh angel food cake, some good looking strawberries, and stopped over in the dairy department to get some whipped cream. Headed to the checkout then go home.
About an hour later, I go to see my son and the birthday girl. She seemed happy and appreciative that I got her an angel food cake with strawberries (which she took one out of the package right then to eat) and the whipped cream. We talked for a bit then I went over to see my parents right next door. Everything seemed hunky-dory!
…until last night.
Around 8:30pm I was laying in bed, watching videos on my phone. I hear my son’s car (which is pretty loud), wondering if he was in my driveway like it sounded…
Then the car turned off. I knew he was there. The dogs started going bonkers since there was a visitor. I go to open the door for him and I could tell something was wrong.
We talked for a couple of minutes then I finally said “Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Something is wrong. Tell me.”
*sigh* “[Wife] is upset.”
“What? Did I do something? What did I do?”
*another sigh and shaking of his head* “She’s upset that… you didn’t make her an angel food cake.”
*confused look* “But I brought her an angel food cake from the store?”
*hangs head* “I know.”
“Wait, you’re saying she is upset that I gave her a store-bought cake and didn’t make it from scratch?”
*shakes head* “Yeah, pretty much.”We continued to discuss the absurdity of her being upset over a birthday cake. We discussed how he and I work full time jobs, and how making an angel food cake from scratch would take me a couple of hours, and how she (currently not working due to her seasonal job) doesn’t understand that people have lives outside of her.
He hung out for an hour and a half, not sure of what the heck to actually say to her when he got back. I didn’t understand why she was sweet about it to my face on Thursday night, then waited until MONDAY night to have him come say something to me??? Can she not fight her own battles? Oh, by the way, she told him “You make sure she knows I cried over this.” I was like…..???????? So I replied “ok, well, make sure she knows I held my tears in because I didn’t want to upset you.” Like, her crying over this is supposed to make me feel worse??? Come on.
He went home around 10pm and I went to bed. Cried a bit but finally dozed off… angry and upset about this whole situation.
You think it’s the end of the story, right?
This morning I see my baby sis, the one that was originally asked to make the angel food cake. I sit her down and tell her of last night’s shenanigans.
She proceeds to tell me that my nephew went to her Friday and asked her to make the angel food cake, because my daughter-in-law didn’t get one and she was upset about it. My sister went out on Saturday and bought a boxed cake mix and some strawberries and baked the cake for her… all because my nephew was under the impression that his friend, my son’s wife, didn’t get the birthday cake she was hoping for. She even showed me a screenshot of a message between my son and his wife about how she was so happy to finally have a homemade angel food cake. She said she thought maybe I had picked up a pound cake or something else instead of the angel food cake like I told her I would get… and she apologized for not checking with me.
What the actual F— y’all. Not only did she manipulate people to get what she wanted, she’s ungrateful for the things she did get and I’m now even a little upset with my son for neglecting to tell me the part about my sister making the cake (which I fully intend to call him out on today).
I’m having a difficult time processing this.
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“I’m tired of singing all the sad songs in my head…”
It’s been rainy in my neck of the woods for most of the week. Warmer, yes, but rainy. Yesterday my mental health was in the dumpster. Sitting at my desk, working on art files, listening to music, and trying not to cry. Ugh, I hate being so emotional all the time.
Yesterday was definitely a day that I wished I had some ice cream in the work freezer.
Thankfully the girl puppers were (mostly) well behaved and the house wasn’t a disaster when I got home. Dinner was fast and easy, played some Fortnite, then went to bed.
And today is payday so that already makes today better than yesterday.
Let’s make the best of a crappy situation!
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“All that’s left to find is peace of mind, running out of time…”
First of all, Arrows In Action is a fantastic band and I can’t wait to get to one of their shows. (Please tour soon!)
Secondly, I did something on Friday I hadn’t done in well over a year…
I got a haircut.
I love(d) my long hair, but it was to the point of looking unhealthy, and I needed the change. Nothing drastic, just got rid of maybe 8 inches. It feels different for sure, but it feels so much better.
Now I’ve gotta invest in a curling iron / straightener. The one I had that I loved finally kicked the bucket last year.
Happy Monday, friendos.
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Rainbows and unicorns
In all things, choose kindness.
Many times we are quick to get frustrated when someone is having a hard time understanding us. Or we are fast to make fun of someone that may not see things the way that we do. All that ends up being accomplished is you make someone like you less.
Yesterday I was trying out a new software platform that’s being built by a friend and former boss. I was trying to build a site to use for my new job. I was emailing the project manager and asking questions because it wasn’t intuitive on what I needed to do, things didn’t make sense to me.
This person proceeds to say something along the lines of “well did you just scroll down? LOL, that option is there.” They made me feel stupid. Therefore the remainder of our interactions yesterday had tones of frustration and misunderstanding. I read the last email they sent me yesterday after I had already left the office. Yes, it still reads like they are frustrated by my misunderstanding of things (evidenced by the fact that I suggested that they provide a tutorial for a user’s first time on the custom content builder and they replied with “The tutorial is def a must.” ) They might have been agreeing with me there, but it reads like “of course we need one for idiots like you.” (They didn’t say it in those words but given our interactions throughout the day yesterday, that’s how it felt.)
Today is a new day. A new opportunity to do well and be successful and KIND.
Have a nice day, everyone.
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“…Am I the constant cause of my worst nightmare?”
I’ve spent most of the day playing detective. LOL, but the not-so-exciting way, like sifting through video footage to find something.
Found it. Not as incriminating as the person hopes it will be.
Maybe in another life, I can use my talents for good. hahahahaaaaaaaa.
Happy Monday, y’all.
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“Something in the way you move…”
Hi friendos.
Been going ‘through it’ emotionally.
I hope you all had a blessed and happy and healthy holiday season.
The new year is upon us, and we are already moving at warp speed.
It’s so funny how time actually flies by.
Anyway, I think this is the year that I start loving myself more.
I already have five (very realistic) resolutions for 2024:
- See more live music
- Make more art (at least one art project per month)
- Take more pictures
- Keep a gratitude calendar
- Lose *some* weight.
Doing all of those things will help with my happiness, both with life in general and with myself.
2024 is going to be MY year. It can be your year too, but it’s also going to be mine. <3
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āYou seem to think there’s more to the illusion,
I think I’ve lost my thoughtā¦āOver a week ago (Aug 17th), a friend and I made “plans” to meet up for last night (Aug 24th).
They weren’t definitive plans, as we had only picked a day and not the activity.
Wednesday, friend had the day off work. They didn’t message much, so I didn’t think too much of it… but we hadn’t really set plans for the next day so I was really curious. Probably to the level of obsessing about it. (Ok, so I guess I did think too much of them not talking to me much.)
Yesterday rolls around, and I send a morning message. They reply not too long after it, and I was told they had went on an overnight trip with some family, and would be driving back sometime yesterday. Cool, I hope they had a great time with their family! Those trips can be fun or… not so fun if your family is annoying or you don’t get along (haha).
But then — *radio silence* … I wonder if they ever got back so I sent a text around 4pm. I got off work at 5 and there was no reply yet. I decided on the way home that I was going to go to trivia night at a bar in town, by myself, if my friend didn’t reply. I get home, feed the cat, feed the dogs… then tell my son I’m gonna go to trivia and asked if he wanted to come along. (He didn’t.)
So I start getting ready. I go all out – I curl my hair, I do some really freaking cute makeup, I even wear foundation and stuff! (Which is rare for me, but I really wanted to look pretty. And I did.)
Friend replies back at 6:15 saying they did make it back. I replied “That’s good š ” about 5 minutes later. Then silence again… 15 minutes(ish) later, I sent a text asking if they did want to go hang out or do something tonight, and that if they didn’t want to it was ok, I just wasn’t sure.
**more silence**
I tell my oldest I’m heading out, and I go. I drive to the gas station, put a few dollars of gas in my car, then drive over to the place where trivia is being held.
I park across the street. I can see the entrance and the amount of people going in.
And I couldn’t make myself get out of the car.
I sat there for a good 20 minutes before I told myself just to leave, that I certainly wasn’t going in by myself. Then I beat myself up over it for a while.
I made a Facebook post saying :
I envy those of you without crippling anxiety.
I decided to go to a trivia night by myself. I couldn’t even get out of the car. š Maybe next time I can do it.And I started the drive home.
My friend JR called. He’s a really good friend, just lives about 2 hours away. He has known I’m going through some mental struggles, and I’m betting he saw my post then decided to call.
We talked for over an hour. In our first 5 minutes of chatting, friend from earlier texted saying that they were sorry, they just got my message and they don’t know how they overlooked it. I didn’t reply until I got home, while I was still on the call with my friend.
But JR asked something that’s festeredā¦ aside from the general ‘being a woman alone at a bar’, was there anything else that triggered the anxiety? He and I were still talking when the answer came to me, but I didn’t share. It’s a very personal part of my past that I’m still working through.
The answer is tied to my deceased spouse. It’s difficult to talk about him and the trauma that he put me through. Just know that I recognize (now) that’s where the anxiety stems from.
I believe I can go to concerts alone. (I may have to very soon, just due to some of the shows that I want to see being during the week when others can’t take off.) I can go shopping alone. I can go to restaurants alone. But I couldn’t take myself into a bar to go play trivia alone.
And I keep beating myself up over it.
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āSuicidal Kamikaze, becomes less charming as Iām talkingā¦ā
Ever feel like thereās so many thought-trains happening in your head that you struggle to keep everything on the right track?
Iām having one of those moments.
On the one hand, I want to talk about the f!/c$@& audacity that this one person in my life has. I canāt get behind this personās actions nor do I understand their thoughts. But, in the words of someone I talk to frequently, āthey are exactly where they want to be.ā **throws hands into air**
The other hand has a burning questionā¦ butterflies when talking to a person you may be (but probably shouldnāt be) interested in – good or bad? Iāve seen people say that butterflies are bad, they are your gut feeling being mislabeled, your body is trying to alert you to something and youāre taking it as excitement and curiosity, and you should wait for the person that doesnāt give you butterflies. But then, some believe that the butterflies are actually a good feeling, it showās excitement and blah blah blah. And then thereās me, who finds myself in an odd place. Not gonna elaborate in case they find this blog š butā¦ letās just say thereās a comfort there.
On the other train track is the thought of starting a radio show or podcast. A friend was doing a radio show and theyāre taking a break for a few months. I started thinking about maybe just doing an hour long show and mostly playing music, having a different themed playlist each weekā¦ occasionally talking about the songs or artistsā¦ maybe bringing a guest host at times. I dunno, it was a thought. Something Iām pondering.
One of the other train tracks has me said that Iām not able to game much right now. My home internet is straight garbage. I miss Fortnite. I also want to play Palia, but Iām not a PC gamer. š„² I have to wait until it comes out for the Switch.
Ok thatās enough for now. All aboard the loco-motives! We are pulling out of the station going towards the kitchen for some ice cream. š¤£
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I’m kind of obsessed…
with my dog.
She’s been cuddling lately, which is something she did for a very brief period of her puppyhood, but now she’s almost 2 and it’s been quite some time since she willingly cuddled with me.
After work yesterday it was busy for me. Fed the dogs, fed the cat, cleaned the cat box / swept the cat area, swept the kitchen and living room, made brinner (breakfast for dinner: eggs, bacon, and chocolate chip pancakes), ate, washed the dishes after dinner… then I changed into my pajamas, washed my face, and crawled into bed around 8pm to relax and play on my phone until I fell asleep.
This girl jumped up onto the bed and lay down on what I’ve dubbed “her pillow”. It’s the more comfy one with a satin pillowcase. I don’t mind, she’s the best girl and deserves comfort. But then she snuggled with me. Melted my heart.
I love her so freaking much. Pets are the best. <3
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āEverything else felt so unimportantā¦ā
Last night as I was laying in bed, scrolling through my phone while in the dark, something caught my eye. I stop what Iām doing and focus on itā¦ then it moves closerā¦
Yāall. There was a spider crawling on my comforter VERY CLOSE TO MY ARM. š³ Normally I donāt freak out about spiders, as long as they keep their distance. But one making a move to my actual body?! Oh no no no no no siree no way no how. I swipe my hand across the comforter and turn the light on, trying to find the sucker.
I fluffed the comforter a few times – it didnāt appear to be there.
I moved the pillows off the bed – it didnāt appear to be hiding under those.
I kicked a few things around in the floor, I moved things off the nightstand, I moved the curtains – No Spidey anywhere!
ā¦lil sucker escaped. šØ
I didnāt sleep well. š
Tonight I decided to rearrange my bedroom. I think Iāll be able to sleep a little better tonight. I hope.
Anyway, just thought Iād share some of my shenanigans. Have a good one yāall.
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It’s me again Margaret.
Hey y’all! Guess what?
My pinky fingernail is growing back. š I’m able to type again!! Life is good.
Expect me to get back to this blogging thing…
Happy Friday! š
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Hi Friendos, Where Have I Been?
What’s going on, y’all? It’s been a minute. *checks calendar* Wait, it’s been like two months?? Yikes.
To be honest there’s not a ton going on with me. Oh, except that I broke the tips of two of my fingers at work almost 2 weeks ago, AND I fell and got a big cut on my leg. All that resulted in 26 stitches and a lost fingernail. Yay me, right?
It could have been so much worse… I’m very thankful and blessed. Seriously, it was a pure accident and we are now implementing things to make sure accidents like mine don’t happen again.
But yeah… I don’t like the hunt-and-peck typing style. LOL I miss being able to fully type properly.
That is all you get from me today. š Until next time!
