Self
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Hippity hoppity
Easter will be here in just a couple of days.
I’m making brunch for the kids, and giving them the Easter baskets I made.
…that’s it. Then the kids will be going to spend time with their dad’s side of the fam.
My family isn’t gathering on this holiday.
Why?
Multiple reasons. One sister will be out of town… I’ll actually be taking care of her sweet lil ol man pupper while they’re gone… and I’m not really sure what the other two sisters are doing, or what my parents are doing. I figure that they’re all doing the church thing then gathering with their church families for a meal.
Know what’s funny? …I don’t care that much that we haven’t planned anything. In fact, I’m looking forward to not having to stress about anything that day after brunch is made.
I realize that once Sunday gets here I might be lonely or whatever, but hey – I can just text them to check in. 🙂
I hope you all have a joyous Easter.
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Misplaced Anger, Perhaps?
I had someone get really angry with me tonight… all because I haven’t texted them since Wednesday.
This person consistently replies to my messages with reactions or emojis about 90% of the time. This person seemingly expects me to message them first, always. This person doesn’t really ask about what’s going on in my life or even about my day, when I made a point to ask how their morning/day/night was going pretty much daily. This person started ignoring their phone (or maybe just my messages?) on weekends… so I stopped messaging on weekends. This person is so hot-and-cold about talking to me, it really made me feel like they didn’t want to talk to me. So, I stopped talking. I stopped making an effort.
Look. If you value somebody, if they are somebody you are flirty with or actually want some kind of relationship with? Don’t jerk them around. Give them time and attention. I understand that you’re busy with your business and your family and whatever extracurriculars you have going on – just understand I need more time and attention than you are willing to give me.
I’m pretty sure he blocked me. And ya know what? That’s ok. He’s allowed to do whatever he feels like he needs to do. I don’t think it’s fair for all the blame to be on me, but if that’s what it takes to feel better then go for it, bruh.
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Oof.
Being a mom is something I’m super duper proud of. I love my children more than I love myself (which is probably unhealthy but it is what it is).
Handling their heartbreaks is one of the toughest things I’ve had to endure with them. Do I give advice? Do I try to see both sides of the situation? Do I turn into an angry woman because someone has wronged my (not-so-little) boy?
No.
I give hugs. I let them know I’m here if they want to talk. When they are ready to talk, I give some advice, even if it hurts, I love them harder… and I feed him, because apparently he hasn’t eaten in two days.
Chinese food helps. So does Ice Cream.
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I am trying and I am worthy.
It’s difficult to deal with mental illness.
(I feel like I say that a lot.)
It is difficult, BUT, I am trying.
Trying to acknowledge my shortcomings, my anxiety and my depression and my codependency. Trying to not make the same choices that lead me to making myself upset and worse.
One thing I have decided, though…
I’m not going to stop being me.
I have a big heart. I’m caring. I’m funny. I want the best for people. I will do whatever I can to make sure others are happy.
A lot of the time I feel like I’m being annoying or I’m being a bother. Nobody has said those words, it just is that negative self-talk and my anxiousness.
I wouldn’t be true to myself if I stopped checking in with certain people… if I stopped doing the things that I think are nice and let people know that I care…
However…
if I feel like you don’t want me in your life, if you don’t make much of an effort to be in mine, if you know I’ve been sick for days and you go the whole freaking weekend without checking in on me?
I see where I stand. And believe me, that will change your rank of importance in my life.
I’m a very understanding person. I’m a patient person. But I’m also worthy of having someone in my life that cares about me, that loves me, that respects me and my feelings.
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Sometimes, things just don’t work out that way.
I wanted to do my concert recap next. As a matter of fact, I have the posts typed up already (yes, there will be two posts to do my concert recap from a week ago). Why am I waiting?
…because I need to take a picture of a tshirt and a poster that I haven’t taken a pic of yet, since they’re relevant to the post.
So why go ahead and make another post?
Because I want tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Truth of the matter is, I love blogging. I like communicating with people. But as an introverted anxious shy person who is always afraid of getting on people’s nerves, I rarely do reach out and talk to people. Why not just talk to myself like I’m doing here?
I second-guess myself quite a bit. Blame it on the anxiety or whatever… If I see that you have “read” my message but didn’t reply, the wheels start to roll. Are they busy? Are they annoyed with something I said? Do they not like me anymore??? Should I send another message? How soon is too soon to send another message? Should I send a picture or meme instead?! …and so on and so forth until I finally just either send a message or set the phone down and walk away.
One of the things I’m working on this year (not in a resolution type way, but in a doing better for myself way) is loving myself. I have virtually zero self-esteem and self-worth. I let people run all over me time and time again until I resemble a door mat. I know this isn’t healthy.
I’ve started saying some affirmations each time I see myself in the mirror. They may seem silly to some, but eventually I know they’re going to stick in my head. Things like,
I’m worthy.
I matter.
I have beautiful eyes.
My teeth may not be perfect, but I will get them fixed when I can afford it. I do have a nice smile, regardless.
I’m a good person.
I have a big heart.
I’m creative.
I am brave.
I deserve to receive the same love I give others.
I’m freaking hilarious!
…things like that.
If I don’t say those things to me, who will? I need to hear them to believe it. Reinforce the ideas that will help build me up and boost my self-confidence.
It’s a hard thing to do when all your life you haven’t felt worthy of anything.
But I deserve it. I’m worth it.
