“No don’t get stressed it’s gon’ get figured out…”

Having weekend plans that don’t involve the person you are seeing is a struggle as a codependent.

Also, trying to work on your codependency and recognizing when you’re exhibiting codependent behaviors is a struggle.

This weekend I was at an event in a couple hours away from home. It’s an event that I try to volunteer for every year.

I made plans to stay with my ex-boyfriend’s family because it was near their city. They are still very dear to me, we talk pretty much weekly, and I love them! They understand that just because it didn’t work out with their son and I, doesn’t mean that we can’t still have a friendship.

Friday night I told my dearest friend that I volunteer with about how things were going a lot better for me recently. I told her I have even started opening myself up to the idea of being with somebody again. Including, you know, a guy that I was kind of currently interested in. She said to me “just be careful and don’t lose yourself.” She has seen me go through multiple relationships that were not good for me. For her to say this really has kind of sat with me all weekend long.

I did talk to my dude a couple of times… Well actually more than a couple of times this weekend. I talked to him some on Friday as I was driving into the city, I talked to him Friday evening when I was driving to the event, and I talked to him Friday evening when I was on my way back to my friends house. Then we texted and talked a little online that night, and that was that. The next day of course I sent a good morning text, he sent one back once he woke up, but then we didn’t really talk for many hours.

I have realized that I anxiously await his text tone. When I do receive a text, I get that dopamine hit and it’s like an addiction. Knowing that, it’s really hard to not want to text all the time just to get that dopamine hit again. However, it seems like he’s not as big on texting… Sometimes, sure, but if he’s busy, then he’ll get to my message when he gets to my message. And that’s hard for me. It shouldn’t be! But it is. This is nothing against him. This is me recognizing and putting words to my actions, and seeing what I’m doing, so I can actively try to do better.

He seems like an incredibly secure person. He doesn’t have the anxiety like I do when it comes to life in general, especially relationships. So this is different, this whole thing feels different to me… And I can’t really put a finger on it. Don’t know if this is too different that I can’t handle it, or if this is what a healthy relationship looks like, and I need to just reign myself in… I’m leaning towards that last one. If this is what healthy looks like, and my crazies aren’t scaring him away, then I owe it to him to work on myself and make this less difficult. He deserves a healthy person on the opposite side too.

I know we are not an official anything right now. But talking to him about my feelings is hard… all while trying to not give off stage five clinger vibes. I am really having to be aware about what it is that I’m doing in order to not being a clingy person. Anxious attachment styles really suck. But at least I’m aware of it, and I’m actively trying to do better.

Sorry for the jumbled rambles. This is just what’s inside my head. Again, I’m trying to put it into actual words so I can see it for what it is (anxiety), try to figure out why I’m feeling that way (my past, most likely), and recognize what the healthy thing to do in this situation is. That’s all.