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“It’s true that I’m probably not worth the battery life.”
Boy has it been a rough day.
Work was really busy, I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t get caught up.
I’ve also gotten in my head about what exactly this friendship situation means… and let me tell ya why.
Something really funny happened via text message today between me and my oldest. I immediately screenshot it and as I’m about to type up the text message, it hits me.
I need clarification on just what kind of “friendship” we are having. Is it the type where yeah, we’re friends but more like acquaintences.
Or is it TRUE friends, the ones you send funny memes and pictures to, the ones you have inside jokes with, the ones that really want to hear from you even if it’s mundane stupid stuff? Because that’s what I had… that’s what I miss… and I want to know if I still have it, or if it’s changed now.
I realize things are still really raw with this situation. I’m still crying over it, grieving over what I’ve lost… but there are moments of happiness. Like last night, we had planned to do a discord call to talk about some things related to their online presence and streaming stuff. It was nice to just talk and brainstorm… but we didn’t talk TOO much about stuff outside of the streaming things. Which I realized this afternoon, when I wanted to send that text…
So I think I’m just gonna sit on this for a while.
If I get the chance to talk one-on-one with him I may bring it up…
but we’ll see.We’ll see.
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“What a twisted fate, always ends this way…”
I went to Walmart before work this morning.
As I’m grabbing some soda, the Pepsi guy was in the aisle. “Good morning” he says to me.
“Good morning” I reply.
Him: “How are you doing?“
Me: “I’m alright, how are you?“
Him: “I’m good.“
*I continue to deliberate over which soda I want*
Him: “I am such a liar…“
Me: *looks over at the Pepsi guy* “So you aren’t good?“
Him: “Nah. It’s my first day back from vacation.“
Me: “Ah, those are always pretty rough.“
*awkward silence*
Then he walks over to the next aisle.A lot of the time, we hide what and how we are really feeling because of pleasantries, or not wanting to burden someone. I could have been honest and told him my brain was torturing me over a situation that happened last night, but I didn’t… 1, because I don’t know him, and 2, because I just wanted to get on with my day.
However, if dude really needed to talk about how he’s not OK? I would have been a listening ear.
It’s OK to not be Ok, it’s OK to talk to people when you need to, and if you feel like a complete stranger is the one to talk to – ask if you can vent to them or whatever. I wouldn’t have minded.
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“Not gonna over think or over stress about forever, you and I don’t need that pressure…”
After about 30 hours in turmoil, I’m doing a lot better.
Yesterday morning I sent an apology video.
Yesterday mid-afternoon, I got a text reply.
I’m thrilled that he wants to stay friends with me. Thankfully, I think only being about 6 weeks into something gives us the ability to keep the friendship intact.
Time to work on myself some more and keep on keepin’ on.
Time for more art and craft stuff. More gardening. More time with my pupper.
Time to get my house in order, there’s a lot of work that needs to be done. Perhaps I’ll pick up some skills along the way (gotta figure out how to do the drywall thing).
And time to cultivate MORE friendships other than the ones I’ve been clinging to for the past two months. These friends are great, don’t get me wrong – but I am going to put the effort into growing friendships with some of my lady friends. It’s time.
What a difference a day makes. <3
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“… we can be forgiven, and I will be here…”
The first time I went to his place, it felt a lot like a typical dude-dwelling. I was there early enough that he hadn’t finished with work yet, and you know what he did? He put Bridgerton on the TV so I could watch something I was interested in while he finished work. I didn’t ask him to specifically put on Bridgerton, he knew that it was a show I enjoyed and he hasn’t seen it, so he put it on. He had me sit in his massaging recliner (which admittedly overwhelmed me at first [which freaked me out but I got a grip on it], but then I ended up enjoying) and gave me a blanket to cover up with while he finished work.
I sat back and looked between him and the TV many times, thinking that this was an incredibly sweet gesture.
The second time I went to his place, he had bought some candles and had them lit when I arrived. Candles do make the place more inviting. Again, I thought that was a really nice gesture. He asked me if I could even smell them (I could), haha… I noticed, for sure. I had brought him popcorn as a gift because the grocery store had been out of his favorite snack the previous time I was there, and they hadn’t gotten any in stock yet. He seemed really happy with that gesture. I caught myself a few times just sitting and staring at him, smiling and realizing how happy I was.
The third time at his place was more amazing, in my opinion. I was so much more comfortable than the previous two times I was there. He cooked for me on Saturday. He had told me he had something for me, and gave me a bag of plain m&ms (my favorite). So many freaking times I was just smiling like an idiot, telling myself how happy I was… I was definitely head-over-heels.
Then I had to go and burst the bubble.
I’ve been through a lot in my not-so-distant past. A lot of that is a dark cloud hanging over my head. It prohibits me from doing a lot of stuff that I want to do.
I had told myself not to get involved with anyone with kids. But THIS GUY, THIS situation felt miles different than anything I’d ever been a part of before.
This conversation was something I knew I had to do face-to-face. The fact that I only saw him every other weekend really put a strain on availability to talk. Sunday morning I sat down to talk to him about everything. I didn’t want to hide it anymore. He deserved to know. My feelings for him were growing exponentially and I knew if I didn’t tell him that very day, that very morning – I would be messing it up really badly when I *did* tell him.
And apparently I waited too late.
“I wish we had had this conversation sooner.”
Rips me to my core.
I love you and care about you and want the best for you. I am 100% your supporter and will do anything in my power to help you to succeed. I want to be your friend. I hope you still let me.
Thank you for the best six weeks I’ve had in quite a while.
I said I’m sorry but what for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself.
I don’t want to hate myself, I don’t want to hurt you.
Why do you choose your pain if you only knew how much I love you... -
“Bring on another breakdown…”
Here comes the overthinker, yet again.
Really struggling today.
Not gonna go in-depth about it. Just wanted to acknowledge that I’m struggling with my emotions.
I wanna shout from the rooftops that this dude makes my heart happy. I wanna not have to worry that my skeletons will scare him away. I wanna not overthink. I wanna finally let some of our friends in on it… I wanna go on more dates with him. I wanna spend more time with him. I wanna just BE with him.
I need to have a difficult conversation with him, I just literally can’t until next weekend. This one has to be a face-to-face conversation.
I guess then I’ll know if he truly wants to stick it out, or if it’s too much.
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“No don’t get stressed it’s gon’ get figured out…”
Having weekend plans that don’t involve the person you are seeing is a struggle as a codependent.
Also, trying to work on your codependency and recognizing when you’re exhibiting codependent behaviors is a struggle.
This weekend I was at an event in a couple hours away from home. It’s an event that I try to volunteer for every year.
I made plans to stay with my ex-boyfriend’s family because it was near their city. They are still very dear to me, we talk pretty much weekly, and I love them! They understand that just because it didn’t work out with their son and I, doesn’t mean that we can’t still have a friendship.
Friday night I told my dearest friend that I volunteer with about how things were going a lot better for me recently. I told her I have even started opening myself up to the idea of being with somebody again. Including, you know, a guy that I was kind of currently interested in. She said to me “just be careful and don’t lose yourself.” She has seen me go through multiple relationships that were not good for me. For her to say this really has kind of sat with me all weekend long.
I did talk to my dude a couple of times… Well actually more than a couple of times this weekend. I talked to him some on Friday as I was driving into the city, I talked to him Friday evening when I was driving to the event, and I talked to him Friday evening when I was on my way back to my friends house. Then we texted and talked a little online that night, and that was that. The next day of course I sent a good morning text, he sent one back once he woke up, but then we didn’t really talk for many hours.I have realized that I anxiously await his text tone. When I do receive a text, I get that dopamine hit and it’s like an addiction. Knowing that, it’s really hard to not want to text all the time just to get that dopamine hit again. However, it seems like he’s not as big on texting… Sometimes, sure, but if he’s busy, then he’ll get to my message when he gets to my message. And that’s hard for me. It shouldn’t be! But it is. This is nothing against him. This is me recognizing and putting words to my actions, and seeing what I’m doing, so I can actively try to do better.
He seems like an incredibly secure person. He doesn’t have the anxiety like I do when it comes to life in general, especially relationships. So this is different, this whole thing feels different to me… And I can’t really put a finger on it. Don’t know if this is too different that I can’t handle it, or if this is what a healthy relationship looks like, and I need to just reign myself in… I’m leaning towards that last one. If this is what healthy looks like, and my crazies aren’t scaring him away, then I owe it to him to work on myself and make this less difficult. He deserves a healthy person on the opposite side too.
I know we are not an official anything right now. But talking to him about my feelings is hard… all while trying to not give off stage five clinger vibes. I am really having to be aware about what it is that I’m doing in order to not being a clingy person. Anxious attachment styles really suck. But at least I’m aware of it, and I’m actively trying to do better.
Sorry for the jumbled rambles. This is just what’s inside my head. Again, I’m trying to put it into actual words so I can see it for what it is (anxiety), try to figure out why I’m feeling that way (my past, most likely), and recognize what the healthy thing to do in this situation is. That’s all.
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“brush your shoulders off, life’s gonna work it out.”
Boy, do I overreact. XD
Yesterday when I was leaving work, I got a phone call from him. Total surprise!! We talked as I drove (through the heavy rain storm we were having) to the shopping center where I went to go pick out a dress for the event this weekend. I went into the store, and he asked if I would call him back when I left. (Of course I did.) Then I called him and we talked until he needed to go Facetime his child, and I texted him to let him know I was home.
We played a couple games together later in the evening, then still texted a few times. But as he sent me a goodnight message, I was typing up my goodnight message, and I told him that I wanted to thank him; the fact that we have talked a lot has really helped ‘calm my crazy’ and I had been really really happy, so I thanked him for making my day better. I shared more, also saying “(Also hoping that by sharing how I’m feeling it won’t freak you out.)”
His reply was:
Don’t mind me, just swooning over here. 🙂
Let me remember this the next time I start down my anxiety spiral.
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“Kept on the inside and no sunlight, sometimes a shadow wins…”
Overthinking is the absolute worst.
I’ve got so much turmoil in this ol’ noggin of mine.
On the one hand, I feel like I’m simply overreacting, and I need to clearly communicate my needs to see if this will work out.
On the other hand, part of me is screaming ‘they’re showing you who they are, why aren’t you seeing it?‘
Depending on how the afternoon and evening goes, I may be doing the brave thing and having a conversation about my needs. But is it too soon? Probably, but I want to be clear. Communication is something we both stated was important to us, so when there are these unsure feelings I would think that they would want me to come to them with my troubles.
…
In other news, I really want to go shopping for the event I’m attending this weekend, so I may be doing that tonight too. ha!
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“…someday I’ll be everything to somebody else.”
I know I wrote about crushes recently… and here’s another post about the one I’m currently having. lol
As a person who has codependent tendencies, yet has learned a lot and is really trying to be different this time around, man crushes are difficult!
The guy I’m into is a gamer. (Not surprising, we had been playing the same game together a lot and did a bit of bonding and such that way.) My brain knows that a lot of the time that we aren’t talking (and he’s not at work or sleeping or taking care of his child), he’s probably gaming.
Yet all I want to do is text him and talk to him. I know (I KNOW) that’s unhealthy. I get sad when I can’t talk to him — but only momentarily. Even today, right now, as a working woman at her job, I wish I could talk to him. But I know he’s working. I’m not going to get in the way of his job and his livelihood just because I can’t get a grip on my emotions. That’s a very selfish thing to do. So I take a deep breath, recognize that what I am feeling is silly, and start to focus on something else (some of my work, a hobby, talking to other friends, whatever). It helps.
In this department, any growth is positive, right?
Something else I have noticed about him… he makes me feel safe.
We played a “20 questions” type game where we took turns asking questions of each other (and after we answered each other’s question, we would typically answer our own question before moving on to the next one). Some of his answers really hit me as being mature and swoon-worthy. He even has a favorite flower (and it was original, not basic flowers that every man knows)! I’ve heard him talking to his child on the phone and when the child was with him recently, even heard him interacting with other children… He’s a really good father and a wonderful man. Strong and sensitive and smart. What more could you ask for?
I really like him and I don’t want to mess this up. Therefore, gotta try to keep my anxieties and emotions in check.
Struggles of a codependent XD
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“Living life and soaking up the memories…”
I had one of the best days of my life yesterday.
Met up with a friend; they drove an hour and a half to hang out with me. I was planning to attend an event sort of related to my workplace (one of our customers was having an event), and invited them along. After a bit, we went to grab lunch. We hung out and talked for a while more (fully enjoying the air conditioning), then went back to the customer’s place for the final scheduled parts of the event.
After that we went for ice cream. 🙂 That’s definitely one of my favorite parts of the day. We sat in the car and talked some more, then we went axe throwing. Then we went to one of the only local places to have a drink, and talked some more. I totally lost track of time.
My legs hurt today from all the standing and walking. While it “wasn’t a date”, but just “two friends hanging out”… I’m looking forward to seeing them again. Perhaps soon enough they will want an actual date? Stay tuned, friendos.
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“I’ll pretend my ship’s not sinking…”
Nicotine Dolls are coming back to Charlotte in October. 😀 I’m beyond excited and I bought my tickets THE DAY they went on sale!
In other news… Crushes, man. They’re so fun yet so scary at the same time.
Why do I do this to myself? I’m trying to remember that crushes are OK to have but also to not make it my entire focus, ya know? Stop obsessing over things I have no control over.Last but not least, why does the cat wait until I’m actively using the laptop to try to walk all over it? She’s on my last nerve. XD
Later, taters.
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“All those words came undone…”
10 years have passed.
10 years since I have feared for my life like never before.
10 years since I was simultaneously sure and unsure of something.
10 years since I last saw them.
10 years since just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.A lot happens in 10 years…
a lot.Here’s to moving forward wiser, smarter, and eventually happier.
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“If I let this wave swallow me down…”
America’s healthcare system is a joke. Health insurance is a fake security blanket that placebos you into thinking you’re covered, but when you actually need something? Yikes.
I’m more fortunate than most, this I am 100% aware of. I am in generally good health, albeit overweight and I have some other issues that need attention… but it’s not “bad enough” that I feel like I need to seek immediate medical guidance on it.
With the exception of my freaking anxiety.
It’s to the point where I’ve mentioned actually going to see a doctor about getting medicated. Transparency: About 10 years ago I was on anxiety/depression meds for about 6 months. I took myself off of them (not smart, I know) and have been unmedicated ever since. The depression isn’t as bad as it was, but as the years go on, my anxiety going unchecked has become a big problem.
As my loving family member said to me a few weeks ago, “if it’s to the point where you think you need medication, then you probably do.” I appreciate their honesty with me. Seriously, J, you are the best for being real with me and helping me to see the steps I need to take to get this going.
I use the Healthcare marketplace because my employer doesn’t offer insurance. (We’re not a large company.) No biggie, I’ve been doing this a few years now. Each year I seem to switch to a different one, but that’s just the name of the game… you go with what you can afford, right? Typically I don’t go to the doctor. I don’t go for regular checkups. If I feel sick I deal with it using over-the-counter stuff.
Admittedly, I know this is my issue for not being thorough and thinking about my future needs… but when I logged in to check out what all my current health insurance covers and how much copays were and all…
Y’all, my PCP copay is $40.
$40 each time I need to see my PCP. Each time I would need to go in to talk about how the meds are doing, to see how it’s working with me / if I need to change it / whatever.
I can’t afford that right now. I can barely afford my bills.
So I just suffer with my (sometimes debilitating) anxiety and I keep marching on.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? Nah. What doesn’t kill you sometimes makes you wish you never existed at all.
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“Memory… betraying me…”
Today has been a very bad brain day.
And by that I mean very anxious or depressed thoughts. Alllllllllllll day.
I’ve been functioning at work, but not efficiently.
I really hope tomorrow isn’t a bad brain day too.
Yep.
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“You sprinkle stardust on my pillow case, it’s like a moonbeam brushed across my face…”
Dreams are funny, man.
Why does our brain decide to bring back certain people randomly? Sometimes, I expect to dream about a particular person. Other times, it’s a total surprise.
The funny thing to me is, the person that visited me in my dream last night (who is someone still with us on this Earth, mind you), I haven’t seen since they were six years old. They’re almost 16 now.
In my dreams, it was the six-year old version of them. Hanging out with me.
This six year old was my best friend in the entire world. I miss them with everything I am.
Counting down the days…
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This one’s a doozy.
Buckle up, buttercup. We’re about to go on a wild ride.
My son got married last year. His wife’s birthday was last week.
Earlier last week, my sister let me know that my married son asked her to bake a birthday cake for his wife’s birthday (specifically, an angel food cake). I was a little unsure why he asked her over me (considering I’m the “baker” of the family), but I told her I’d take care of the cake so she didn’t have to.
Birthday day arrives. I have a birthday card and a gift card for my daughter-in-law. While I was at work, my son texted me saying he took his bride to Cracker Barrel for lunch. I asked if he still wanted an angel food cake with strawberries for her, since I had told my sister I was going to do it. He mentioned that her mom had made her a strawberry shortcake, but that he felt like she would like the angel food cake as well. I told him I was going to pick it up on the way home after work.
After work I stopped by the bank (payday, yay) then ran over to the grocery store. I picked up a fresh angel food cake, some good looking strawberries, and stopped over in the dairy department to get some whipped cream. Headed to the checkout then go home.
About an hour later, I go to see my son and the birthday girl. She seemed happy and appreciative that I got her an angel food cake with strawberries (which she took one out of the package right then to eat) and the whipped cream. We talked for a bit then I went over to see my parents right next door. Everything seemed hunky-dory!
…until last night.
Around 8:30pm I was laying in bed, watching videos on my phone. I hear my son’s car (which is pretty loud), wondering if he was in my driveway like it sounded…
Then the car turned off. I knew he was there. The dogs started going bonkers since there was a visitor. I go to open the door for him and I could tell something was wrong.
We talked for a couple of minutes then I finally said “Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Something is wrong. Tell me.”
*sigh* “[Wife] is upset.”
“What? Did I do something? What did I do?”
*another sigh and shaking of his head* “She’s upset that… you didn’t make her an angel food cake.”
*confused look* “But I brought her an angel food cake from the store?”
*hangs head* “I know.”
“Wait, you’re saying she is upset that I gave her a store-bought cake and didn’t make it from scratch?”
*shakes head* “Yeah, pretty much.”We continued to discuss the absurdity of her being upset over a birthday cake. We discussed how he and I work full time jobs, and how making an angel food cake from scratch would take me a couple of hours, and how she (currently not working due to her seasonal job) doesn’t understand that people have lives outside of her.
He hung out for an hour and a half, not sure of what the heck to actually say to her when he got back. I didn’t understand why she was sweet about it to my face on Thursday night, then waited until MONDAY night to have him come say something to me??? Can she not fight her own battles? Oh, by the way, she told him “You make sure she knows I cried over this.” I was like…..???????? So I replied “ok, well, make sure she knows I held my tears in because I didn’t want to upset you.” Like, her crying over this is supposed to make me feel worse??? Come on.
He went home around 10pm and I went to bed. Cried a bit but finally dozed off… angry and upset about this whole situation.
You think it’s the end of the story, right?
This morning I see my baby sis, the one that was originally asked to make the angel food cake. I sit her down and tell her of last night’s shenanigans.
She proceeds to tell me that my nephew went to her Friday and asked her to make the angel food cake, because my daughter-in-law didn’t get one and she was upset about it. My sister went out on Saturday and bought a boxed cake mix and some strawberries and baked the cake for her… all because my nephew was under the impression that his friend, my son’s wife, didn’t get the birthday cake she was hoping for. She even showed me a screenshot of a message between my son and his wife about how she was so happy to finally have a homemade angel food cake. She said she thought maybe I had picked up a pound cake or something else instead of the angel food cake like I told her I would get… and she apologized for not checking with me.
What the actual F— y’all. Not only did she manipulate people to get what she wanted, she’s ungrateful for the things she did get and I’m now even a little upset with my son for neglecting to tell me the part about my sister making the cake (which I fully intend to call him out on today).
I’m having a difficult time processing this.
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“I’m tired of singing all the sad songs in my head…”
It’s been rainy in my neck of the woods for most of the week. Warmer, yes, but rainy. Yesterday my mental health was in the dumpster. Sitting at my desk, working on art files, listening to music, and trying not to cry. Ugh, I hate being so emotional all the time.
Yesterday was definitely a day that I wished I had some ice cream in the work freezer.
Thankfully the girl puppers were (mostly) well behaved and the house wasn’t a disaster when I got home. Dinner was fast and easy, played some Fortnite, then went to bed.
And today is payday so that already makes today better than yesterday.
Let’s make the best of a crappy situation!
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“All that’s left to find is peace of mind, running out of time…”
First of all, Arrows In Action is a fantastic band and I can’t wait to get to one of their shows. (Please tour soon!)
Secondly, I did something on Friday I hadn’t done in well over a year…
I got a haircut.
I love(d) my long hair, but it was to the point of looking unhealthy, and I needed the change. Nothing drastic, just got rid of maybe 8 inches. It feels different for sure, but it feels so much better.
Now I’ve gotta invest in a curling iron / straightener. The one I had that I loved finally kicked the bucket last year.
Happy Monday, friendos.
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Rainbows and unicorns
In all things, choose kindness.
Many times we are quick to get frustrated when someone is having a hard time understanding us. Or we are fast to make fun of someone that may not see things the way that we do. All that ends up being accomplished is you make someone like you less.
Yesterday I was trying out a new software platform that’s being built by a friend and former boss. I was trying to build a site to use for my new job. I was emailing the project manager and asking questions because it wasn’t intuitive on what I needed to do, things didn’t make sense to me.
This person proceeds to say something along the lines of “well did you just scroll down? LOL, that option is there.” They made me feel stupid. Therefore the remainder of our interactions yesterday had tones of frustration and misunderstanding. I read the last email they sent me yesterday after I had already left the office. Yes, it still reads like they are frustrated by my misunderstanding of things (evidenced by the fact that I suggested that they provide a tutorial for a user’s first time on the custom content builder and they replied with “The tutorial is def a must.” ) They might have been agreeing with me there, but it reads like “of course we need one for idiots like you.” (They didn’t say it in those words but given our interactions throughout the day yesterday, that’s how it felt.)
Today is a new day. A new opportunity to do well and be successful and KIND.
Have a nice day, everyone.
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“…Am I the constant cause of my worst nightmare?”
I’ve spent most of the day playing detective. LOL, but the not-so-exciting way, like sifting through video footage to find something.
Found it. Not as incriminating as the person hopes it will be.
Maybe in another life, I can use my talents for good. hahahahaaaaaaaa.
Happy Monday, y’all.
