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“… we can be forgiven, and I will be here…”
The first time I went to his place, it felt a lot like a typical dude-dwelling. I was there early enough that he hadn’t finished with work yet, and you know what he did? He put Bridgerton on the TV so I could watch something I was interested in while he finished work. I didn’t ask him to specifically put on Bridgerton, he knew that it was a show I enjoyed and he hasn’t seen it, so he put it on. He had me sit in his massaging recliner (which admittedly overwhelmed me at first [which freaked me out but I got a grip on it], but then I ended up enjoying) and gave me a blanket to cover up with while he finished work.
I sat back and looked between him and the TV many times, thinking that this was an incredibly sweet gesture.
The second time I went to his place, he had bought some candles and had them lit when I arrived. Candles do make the place more inviting. Again, I thought that was a really nice gesture. He asked me if I could even smell them (I could), haha… I noticed, for sure. I had brought him popcorn as a gift because the grocery store had been out of his favorite snack the previous time I was there, and they hadn’t gotten any in stock yet. He seemed really happy with that gesture. I caught myself a few times just sitting and staring at him, smiling and realizing how happy I was.
The third time at his place was more amazing, in my opinion. I was so much more comfortable than the previous two times I was there. He cooked for me on Saturday. He had told me he had something for me, and gave me a bag of plain m&ms (my favorite). So many freaking times I was just smiling like an idiot, telling myself how happy I was… I was definitely head-over-heels.
Then I had to go and burst the bubble.
I’ve been through a lot in my not-so-distant past. A lot of that is a dark cloud hanging over my head. It prohibits me from doing a lot of stuff that I want to do.
I had told myself not to get involved with anyone with kids. But THIS GUY, THIS situation felt miles different than anything I’d ever been a part of before.
This conversation was something I knew I had to do face-to-face. The fact that I only saw him every other weekend really put a strain on availability to talk. Sunday morning I sat down to talk to him about everything. I didn’t want to hide it anymore. He deserved to know. My feelings for him were growing exponentially and I knew if I didn’t tell him that very day, that very morning – I would be messing it up really badly when I *did* tell him.
And apparently I waited too late.
“I wish we had had this conversation sooner.”
Rips me to my core.
I love you and care about you and want the best for you. I am 100% your supporter and will do anything in my power to help you to succeed. I want to be your friend. I hope you still let me.
Thank you for the best six weeks I’ve had in quite a while.
I said I’m sorry but what for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself.
I don’t want to hate myself, I don’t want to hurt you.
Why do you choose your pain if you only knew how much I love you... -
“No don’t get stressed it’s gon’ get figured out…”
Having weekend plans that don’t involve the person you are seeing is a struggle as a codependent.
Also, trying to work on your codependency and recognizing when you’re exhibiting codependent behaviors is a struggle.
This weekend I was at an event in a couple hours away from home. It’s an event that I try to volunteer for every year.
I made plans to stay with my ex-boyfriend’s family because it was near their city. They are still very dear to me, we talk pretty much weekly, and I love them! They understand that just because it didn’t work out with their son and I, doesn’t mean that we can’t still have a friendship.
Friday night I told my dearest friend that I volunteer with about how things were going a lot better for me recently. I told her I have even started opening myself up to the idea of being with somebody again. Including, you know, a guy that I was kind of currently interested in. She said to me “just be careful and don’t lose yourself.” She has seen me go through multiple relationships that were not good for me. For her to say this really has kind of sat with me all weekend long.
I did talk to my dude a couple of times… Well actually more than a couple of times this weekend. I talked to him some on Friday as I was driving into the city, I talked to him Friday evening when I was driving to the event, and I talked to him Friday evening when I was on my way back to my friends house. Then we texted and talked a little online that night, and that was that. The next day of course I sent a good morning text, he sent one back once he woke up, but then we didn’t really talk for many hours.I have realized that I anxiously await his text tone. When I do receive a text, I get that dopamine hit and it’s like an addiction. Knowing that, it’s really hard to not want to text all the time just to get that dopamine hit again. However, it seems like he’s not as big on texting… Sometimes, sure, but if he’s busy, then he’ll get to my message when he gets to my message. And that’s hard for me. It shouldn’t be! But it is. This is nothing against him. This is me recognizing and putting words to my actions, and seeing what I’m doing, so I can actively try to do better.
He seems like an incredibly secure person. He doesn’t have the anxiety like I do when it comes to life in general, especially relationships. So this is different, this whole thing feels different to me… And I can’t really put a finger on it. Don’t know if this is too different that I can’t handle it, or if this is what a healthy relationship looks like, and I need to just reign myself in… I’m leaning towards that last one. If this is what healthy looks like, and my crazies aren’t scaring him away, then I owe it to him to work on myself and make this less difficult. He deserves a healthy person on the opposite side too.
I know we are not an official anything right now. But talking to him about my feelings is hard… all while trying to not give off stage five clinger vibes. I am really having to be aware about what it is that I’m doing in order to not being a clingy person. Anxious attachment styles really suck. But at least I’m aware of it, and I’m actively trying to do better.
Sorry for the jumbled rambles. This is just what’s inside my head. Again, I’m trying to put it into actual words so I can see it for what it is (anxiety), try to figure out why I’m feeling that way (my past, most likely), and recognize what the healthy thing to do in this situation is. That’s all.
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“If I let this wave swallow me down…”
America’s healthcare system is a joke. Health insurance is a fake security blanket that placebos you into thinking you’re covered, but when you actually need something? Yikes.
I’m more fortunate than most, this I am 100% aware of. I am in generally good health, albeit overweight and I have some other issues that need attention… but it’s not “bad enough” that I feel like I need to seek immediate medical guidance on it.
With the exception of my freaking anxiety.
It’s to the point where I’ve mentioned actually going to see a doctor about getting medicated. Transparency: About 10 years ago I was on anxiety/depression meds for about 6 months. I took myself off of them (not smart, I know) and have been unmedicated ever since. The depression isn’t as bad as it was, but as the years go on, my anxiety going unchecked has become a big problem.
As my loving family member said to me a few weeks ago, “if it’s to the point where you think you need medication, then you probably do.” I appreciate their honesty with me. Seriously, J, you are the best for being real with me and helping me to see the steps I need to take to get this going.
I use the Healthcare marketplace because my employer doesn’t offer insurance. (We’re not a large company.) No biggie, I’ve been doing this a few years now. Each year I seem to switch to a different one, but that’s just the name of the game… you go with what you can afford, right? Typically I don’t go to the doctor. I don’t go for regular checkups. If I feel sick I deal with it using over-the-counter stuff.
Admittedly, I know this is my issue for not being thorough and thinking about my future needs… but when I logged in to check out what all my current health insurance covers and how much copays were and all…
Y’all, my PCP copay is $40.
$40 each time I need to see my PCP. Each time I would need to go in to talk about how the meds are doing, to see how it’s working with me / if I need to change it / whatever.
I can’t afford that right now. I can barely afford my bills.
So I just suffer with my (sometimes debilitating) anxiety and I keep marching on.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? Nah. What doesn’t kill you sometimes makes you wish you never existed at all.
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“You seem to think there’s more to the illusion,
I think I’ve lost my thought…”Over a week ago (Aug 17th), a friend and I made “plans” to meet up for last night (Aug 24th).
They weren’t definitive plans, as we had only picked a day and not the activity.
Wednesday, friend had the day off work. They didn’t message much, so I didn’t think too much of it… but we hadn’t really set plans for the next day so I was really curious. Probably to the level of obsessing about it. (Ok, so I guess I did think too much of them not talking to me much.)
Yesterday rolls around, and I send a morning message. They reply not too long after it, and I was told they had went on an overnight trip with some family, and would be driving back sometime yesterday. Cool, I hope they had a great time with their family! Those trips can be fun or… not so fun if your family is annoying or you don’t get along (haha).
But then — *radio silence* … I wonder if they ever got back so I sent a text around 4pm. I got off work at 5 and there was no reply yet. I decided on the way home that I was going to go to trivia night at a bar in town, by myself, if my friend didn’t reply. I get home, feed the cat, feed the dogs… then tell my son I’m gonna go to trivia and asked if he wanted to come along. (He didn’t.)
So I start getting ready. I go all out – I curl my hair, I do some really freaking cute makeup, I even wear foundation and stuff! (Which is rare for me, but I really wanted to look pretty. And I did.)
Friend replies back at 6:15 saying they did make it back. I replied “That’s good 🙂 ” about 5 minutes later. Then silence again… 15 minutes(ish) later, I sent a text asking if they did want to go hang out or do something tonight, and that if they didn’t want to it was ok, I just wasn’t sure.
**more silence**
I tell my oldest I’m heading out, and I go. I drive to the gas station, put a few dollars of gas in my car, then drive over to the place where trivia is being held.
I park across the street. I can see the entrance and the amount of people going in.
And I couldn’t make myself get out of the car.
I sat there for a good 20 minutes before I told myself just to leave, that I certainly wasn’t going in by myself. Then I beat myself up over it for a while.
I made a Facebook post saying :
I envy those of you without crippling anxiety.
I decided to go to a trivia night by myself. I couldn’t even get out of the car. 🙁 Maybe next time I can do it.And I started the drive home.
My friend JR called. He’s a really good friend, just lives about 2 hours away. He has known I’m going through some mental struggles, and I’m betting he saw my post then decided to call.
We talked for over an hour. In our first 5 minutes of chatting, friend from earlier texted saying that they were sorry, they just got my message and they don’t know how they overlooked it. I didn’t reply until I got home, while I was still on the call with my friend.
But JR asked something that’s festered… aside from the general ‘being a woman alone at a bar’, was there anything else that triggered the anxiety? He and I were still talking when the answer came to me, but I didn’t share. It’s a very personal part of my past that I’m still working through.
The answer is tied to my deceased spouse. It’s difficult to talk about him and the trauma that he put me through. Just know that I recognize (now) that’s where the anxiety stems from.
I believe I can go to concerts alone. (I may have to very soon, just due to some of the shows that I want to see being during the week when others can’t take off.) I can go shopping alone. I can go to restaurants alone. But I couldn’t take myself into a bar to go play trivia alone.
And I keep beating myself up over it.
