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Unfortunately I let myself get caught up in another situationship. With someone that’s still hung up on their ex.
When will I ever learn?
Monday night: “I couldn’t let 24 hours go by without hearing your voice… call me at 7 in the morning…”
I call at 7am. We talk for 8 minutes.
I text about an hour later.
I *still* haven’t heard from them. No text back, no call yesterday, it’s been 24 hours since I heard their voice.
And they’re the one on FB posting about “no one is too busy…” “their actions show you how they feel about you…”
You’re right, Sir, your actions have shown me that I’m not important. I dunno if those messages are directed towards your ex, or if you’re trying to throw shade at me, but I’m done with it. You have consistently been less and less communicative with me. Even when you called me Monday night to hear my voice, we barely had a conversation after being on the phone for an hour. You were too busy in your group chats and watching videos. But anyway… I’m so f’ing tired of feeling like an option.
I am letting you figure it out with her. I know you love her. I know you still want her. I’m removing myself from the equation.
I still care about you, but I also care about me and my mental health. I’m happy being your friend, but access is going to be limited to me.
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“Wish that I was kidding, I’m not and I hate it…”
There’s so much I want to say, but I still have to be guarded.
To the dude that’s (probably unintentionally) been messing with my head…
I spoke up the other day, telling you that the energy between us has felt different than what it was over the weekend. Yet I’m still the one texting first, I’m trying to make conversation and be a part of your day. I’m still going to be your friend, no matter what. But if you’re not interested please don’t lead me on.
The last conversation we had last night is telling me that your ex popping back into your life to say hello and she misses you is really consuming you… which tells me that even though you thought you were over her, you may not actually be. So imma step back I guess.
I’m so scared to truly put my heart out there again. I want to, and this time of year doesn’t help my loneliness. Time to take care of me.
I’m going to attempt to make this a healing weekend. Planting flower seeds, spending time with my kids, baking, reading, probably giving the dogs a bath (although that’ll be a point of soreness and stress, but they definitely need it)… Time to focus on what’s immediately in front of me and not be glued to my phone or video games.
Don’t get me wrong – when the sun goes down I’ll probably be on Fortnite or Marvel Rivals. Just gonna do real-world stuff too. Keep myself busy so I’m not driving myself crazy.
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“Ask me to come by, tell me I’ll wake up in your arms…”
One of my goals for the year was spending more time with my friends and growing those friendships which have been helping to pull me out of my depressive episodes. I’m happy to say that so far in January, I’ve gotten to spend time with friends twice. One of them was for a friend’s birthday at the beginning of the month, and on Saturday some of us gathered again to celebrate a different friend’s birthday.
We went to a place in the Charlotte area that was doing karaoke. I did not get up in front of everyone to sing, but I did sing along from my seat while some of those friends belted out amazing renditions of their chosen songs. I also happened to see some folks that I hadn’t seen in like 7 years! It was great to see them again, meet one of the friend’s spouse who I love, and honestly can’t wait to hang out with again.
It was a wonderful weekend. I’m truly blessed to know these people.
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“‘This doesn’t hurt’ she says, ‘I finally had enough’…”
I don’t really have the magic of Christmas nor the holiday spirit right now… I’m not ready for Christmas to be here – yet it’s 6 days away.
Money is so freaking tight right now. š I know there’s a friend that would help me out if I asked, I just don’t want to ask. I have unfortunately maxed out my credit cards, which I know isn’t good either…
So my kids won’t have a big Christmas this year. I’ll try to make it up to them next year.
Just stressin’ about the holidays.
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“I will be there, I will be the smallest piece in everything…”
I have found an amazing chosen family.
We had a Friendsgiving a couple weekends ago. My best friends are people I met through our “podcast group”. One of my friends from many years ago started a podcast (a couple of years back), and it’s turned into a big community of friends. There’s a lot of different things that we do in this community (game nights, podcast, book club, etc). A month or so back, I asked about building a website for the community. I launched it last Wednesday, by the way.
But I digress…
At our Friendsgiving, we were told there’s a video going live on the YouTube at 8pm so we all had to be present to watch. At 8pm sharp, we were all in the living room at my friend’s house… watching.
The video that started playing was a Thank You video. For ME. Many of the community members had recorded a thank you video and the podcast / community leader compiled them all into a 6 minute video.
They also handed me a thank you card.
I cried, y’all. I cried and cried. I still get teary when I think about it and watch the video.
I have watched that video about once a day (sometimes more) and looked at the card more times than I can count.
My chosen family means the world to me. (My blood family does too, but that’s not the point of this post.) I am truly blessed to know them. These people have good in their hearts, they have love in their spirit, they have raggedy in their veins. (hahaha). I love them so very much. I’d do just about anything for them.
They’re my people. <3
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“You never know when something will never happen again…”
There’s a lot (LOT) I want and need to say. I just don’t really have the time. Nor do I think I have the energy.
One thing I noticed recently is that my dog is more like me than I’m willing to admit. XD
About a month ago, I went to a Halloween party with friends. I kept making my way outside to clear my head, to just sit there and stare at the sky. People asked if I was ok, and I was… just dealing with some stuff internally.
Fast-forward to a couple days later, I notice my dog doing the exact same thing. Penny wanted to go outside a LOT, and she’d just lay in the grass in the sun, staring at nothing.
Just being alone. With her thoughts.
And it hit me, she’s just freaking like me.
I guess the universe knows what it’s doing when it pairs you with your pets. (Not that I ever questioned it.)
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āHow you gonna ever find your place runnin at artificial pace?ā
A lot has happened since my last post.
First of all, my community has been very hard-hit by Hurricane Helene. Thatās a post for another time.
But my Spidey senses are telling me that someone has kinda sorta moved on. Theyāve stopped breadcrumbing me. In fact, during the height of the hurricane aftermath they basically gave up on me. Stopped trying to reach out and see if I was ok. It was more fun to go out on the town and drink the night away. Not saying I blame themā¦ just made me realize my place.
Honestly? If theyāve found someone then I am super duper happy for them!!! The moment I realized that might be whatās happening made me smile, because this person deserves happiness.
But dude. Donāt forget about your friends. About the ones that try their best to lift you up and help you to be better.
Iām struggling and you donāt give a crap about it.
So when I am not the same person that you left, just remember you pushed me into this corner.
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āIām kind of unpredictable, I swear to God Iāll only make you miserableā¦ā
Ever have those days where all you really need is a big fucking hug squeezed so tight that it just puts everything back together?
Because thatās something I need. And I canāt get it. Iām in a bad mental place.Holding on is hard. Iām tired of it.
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“…someday I’ll be everything to somebody else.”
I know I wrote about crushes recently… and here’s another post about the one I’m currently having. lol
As a person who has codependent tendencies, yet has learned a lot and is really trying to be different this time around, man crushes are difficult!
The guy I’m into is a gamer. (Not surprising, we had been playing the same game together a lot and did a bit of bonding and such that way.) My brain knows that a lot of the time that we aren’t talking (and he’s not at work or sleeping or taking care of his child), he’s probably gaming.
Yet all I want to do is text him and talk to him. I know (I KNOW) that’s unhealthy. I get sad when I can’t talk to him — but only momentarily. Even today, right now, as a working woman at her job, I wish I could talk to him. But I know he’s working. I’m not going to get in the way of his job and his livelihood just because I can’t get a grip on my emotions. That’s a very selfish thing to do. So I take a deep breath, recognize that what I am feeling is silly, and start to focus on something else (some of my work, a hobby, talking to other friends, whatever). It helps.
In this department, any growth is positive, right?
Something else I have noticed about him… he makes me feel safe.
We played a “20 questions” type game where we took turns asking questions of each other (and after we answered each other’s question, we would typically answer our own question before moving on to the next one). Some of his answers really hit me as being mature and swoon-worthy. He even has a favorite flower (and it was original, not basic flowers that every man knows)! I’ve heard him talking to his child on the phone and when the child was with him recently, even heard him interacting with other children… He’s a really good father and a wonderful man. Strong and sensitive and smart. What more could you ask for?
I really like him and I don’t want to mess this up. Therefore, gotta try to keep my anxieties and emotions in check.
Struggles of a codependent XD
