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“I will be there, I will be the smallest piece in everything…”
I have found an amazing chosen family.
We had a Friendsgiving a couple weekends ago. My best friends are people I met through our “podcast group”. One of my friends from many years ago started a podcast (a couple of years back), and it’s turned into a big community of friends. There’s a lot of different things that we do in this community (game nights, podcast, book club, etc). A month or so back, I asked about building a website for the community. I launched it last Wednesday, by the way.
But I digress…
At our Friendsgiving, we were told there’s a video going live on the YouTube at 8pm so we all had to be present to watch. At 8pm sharp, we were all in the living room at my friend’s house… watching.
The video that started playing was a Thank You video. For ME. Many of the community members had recorded a thank you video and the podcast / community leader compiled them all into a 6 minute video.
They also handed me a thank you card.
I cried, y’all. I cried and cried. I still get teary when I think about it and watch the video.
I have watched that video about once a day (sometimes more) and looked at the card more times than I can count.
My chosen family means the world to me. (My blood family does too, but that’s not the point of this post.) I am truly blessed to know them. These people have good in their hearts, they have love in their spirit, they have raggedy in their veins. (hahaha). I love them so very much. I’d do just about anything for them.
They’re my people. <3
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“How you gonna ever find your place runnin at artificial pace?”
A lot has happened since my last post.
First of all, my community has been very hard-hit by Hurricane Helene. That’s a post for another time.
But my Spidey senses are telling me that someone has kinda sorta moved on. They’ve stopped breadcrumbing me. In fact, during the height of the hurricane aftermath they basically gave up on me. Stopped trying to reach out and see if I was ok. It was more fun to go out on the town and drink the night away. Not saying I blame them… just made me realize my place.
Honestly? If they’ve found someone then I am super duper happy for them!!! The moment I realized that might be what’s happening made me smile, because this person deserves happiness.
But dude. Don’t forget about your friends. About the ones that try their best to lift you up and help you to be better.
I’m struggling and you don’t give a crap about it.
So when I am not the same person that you left, just remember you pushed me into this corner.
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“If everything could ever feel this real forever…”
Fortnite is fun. At first I hated the different creative maps, but some of them are actually fun.
Festival mode is my jam, I absolutely love going in and playing the different songs. I just wish some of my friends wanted to play too.
I don’t really mess with Lego Fortnite that often… but Battle Royale is where it’s at.
I’ve been gaming with a really fun group of military veterans and their dependents and supporters. They really have welcomed me with open arms, even though I’m not as cracked as they are.
I have played Fortnite for 4 years now. I can honestly say that when you’re playing with friends, with people that can accept that you’re not nearly as good as they are but they want you to play anyway? It’s a good feeling.
They’re my family. I love them.
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“She’s a girl with the best intentions, he’s a man of his own invention…”
I’ve already threatened to stab somebody at work. XD
Don’t worry… I’m not going to actually stab somebody. The person I threatened was my first husband anyway, he’s safe from stabbing.
But speaking of work, it’s getting really stressful. I’m looking forward to the long weekend; it’s only TUESDAY.
I need to get things lined up for the next concert of the year. I want to go see Sister Hazel soon. They’re the only band I’ve seen so far this year and due to other artists cancelling (or my general not being able to go), they’re also next on the list. They’ve released a couple of songs since I saw them last, so I’m really looking forward to the next show!
Last thought for the moment… Everyone is fighting a battle daily, whether it’s with people in their worlds or the battles inside their heads. Some of my friends have really been going through it lately. I want y’all to know how much I love you, how much you mean to me, and that I am here for you even when you don’t want to be here for yourself.
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“You seem to think there’s more to the illusion,
I think I’ve lost my thought…”Over a week ago (Aug 17th), a friend and I made “plans” to meet up for last night (Aug 24th).
They weren’t definitive plans, as we had only picked a day and not the activity.
Wednesday, friend had the day off work. They didn’t message much, so I didn’t think too much of it… but we hadn’t really set plans for the next day so I was really curious. Probably to the level of obsessing about it. (Ok, so I guess I did think too much of them not talking to me much.)
Yesterday rolls around, and I send a morning message. They reply not too long after it, and I was told they had went on an overnight trip with some family, and would be driving back sometime yesterday. Cool, I hope they had a great time with their family! Those trips can be fun or… not so fun if your family is annoying or you don’t get along (haha).
But then — *radio silence* … I wonder if they ever got back so I sent a text around 4pm. I got off work at 5 and there was no reply yet. I decided on the way home that I was going to go to trivia night at a bar in town, by myself, if my friend didn’t reply. I get home, feed the cat, feed the dogs… then tell my son I’m gonna go to trivia and asked if he wanted to come along. (He didn’t.)
So I start getting ready. I go all out – I curl my hair, I do some really freaking cute makeup, I even wear foundation and stuff! (Which is rare for me, but I really wanted to look pretty. And I did.)
Friend replies back at 6:15 saying they did make it back. I replied “That’s good 🙂 ” about 5 minutes later. Then silence again… 15 minutes(ish) later, I sent a text asking if they did want to go hang out or do something tonight, and that if they didn’t want to it was ok, I just wasn’t sure.
**more silence**
I tell my oldest I’m heading out, and I go. I drive to the gas station, put a few dollars of gas in my car, then drive over to the place where trivia is being held.
I park across the street. I can see the entrance and the amount of people going in.
And I couldn’t make myself get out of the car.
I sat there for a good 20 minutes before I told myself just to leave, that I certainly wasn’t going in by myself. Then I beat myself up over it for a while.
I made a Facebook post saying :
I envy those of you without crippling anxiety.
I decided to go to a trivia night by myself. I couldn’t even get out of the car. 🙁 Maybe next time I can do it.And I started the drive home.
My friend JR called. He’s a really good friend, just lives about 2 hours away. He has known I’m going through some mental struggles, and I’m betting he saw my post then decided to call.
We talked for over an hour. In our first 5 minutes of chatting, friend from earlier texted saying that they were sorry, they just got my message and they don’t know how they overlooked it. I didn’t reply until I got home, while I was still on the call with my friend.
But JR asked something that’s festered… aside from the general ‘being a woman alone at a bar’, was there anything else that triggered the anxiety? He and I were still talking when the answer came to me, but I didn’t share. It’s a very personal part of my past that I’m still working through.
The answer is tied to my deceased spouse. It’s difficult to talk about him and the trauma that he put me through. Just know that I recognize (now) that’s where the anxiety stems from.
I believe I can go to concerts alone. (I may have to very soon, just due to some of the shows that I want to see being during the week when others can’t take off.) I can go shopping alone. I can go to restaurants alone. But I couldn’t take myself into a bar to go play trivia alone.
And I keep beating myself up over it.
