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“Well, everyone I know has got a reason to say put the past away…”
My mother in law died.
It’s weird, thinking about her like that… considering her son, my husband, has been dead for 10 years. Is she still even my mother in law? I mean I guess so, since I never remarried…
She was in her 80s and she had Parkinson’s. I hadn’t spent a lot of time with her in the past few years… because it’s difficult for me. Plus I didn’t really feel very welcome in her home.
But yeah. My mother in law died. On top of everything else going on, I certainly didn’t expect that news today.
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“Darlin don’t get too close, there’s nothing here to see.”
I’m about to make a difficult decision.
I want to let go but it’s so difficult when my heart says one thing and my brain says another.
Keep showing me who you are.
“The ones who want to be in your life will show up with consistency.”I’m consistent. I show up. I support wholeheartedly.
I don’t get this back in return. And I guess I shouldn’t expect it. We aren’t anything, are we? Kind of friends… but only when you have time. Only when you want to vent about something or need my help or opinion on something… it all revolves around you.
I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.
I just want someone to want me. I want someone to want to show up for me, to want to hear about my day, to want to know what’s going on in my life. Someone that wants to know what made me smile that day, or what made me sad that day.
What we tolerate, we show others is OK.
Just about done tolerating.
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“The credits are rolling, I’m still holding on.”
It’s really funny how things hit you out of the blue sometimes.
soooooo, full disclosure (because I’m not sure I mentioned it before), I’m in a book club. We get together virtually every couple of weeks and discuss the book we read. And if I’m being honest… most of the books are romance/smutty. LOL, because who doesn’t wanna read about other people’s fun? 😉
I’m able to work in a few pages here and there during my workday while things are running or I’m waiting on something. In the current book we are reading, there’s a fireman who’s neighbor to his (younger) love interest. They just finished dinner at his place and she was about to head home – literally 15 feet away. He says “I’ll walk you.” She says she’s not a kid and he says “Don’t argue with me. It’s dark. You know how I am.”
That got me thinking.
Recent men in my life haven’t cared to walk me to my car, or walk me to the door, or whatever. Yes, I’m definitely not a child… I’m a 40-something woman who’s pretty independent. But – Why do I put up with men that don’t care much about my safety? Do men just not typically do things like that anymore? I do hear “text me when you get home” majority of the time, but that’s about it.
Maybe I’m overthinking it. Or maybe men are not willing to walk down/up flights of stairs to walk me back to my vehicle to make sure I get there safely.
The *only* person in the past year that I can recall that has walked me to my car wasn’t even a love interest. They were a friend. Last October I had hung out with my friends in a city 2 hours away. After we had dinner then went to the brewery, we walked to our friends house to hang for about an hour. When everyone was leaving, they all had to walk one direction, and my car was not too far in the opposite direction. The friend who’s house we were at was the one to walk me to my car. It was a nice feeling, knowing someone cared enough to make sure I got to my vehicle safely.
Hmm. I’m gonna be seeing that same friend this weekend. Maybe I bring it up to the group to see if other men friends in the group care enough to walk a woman to her car.
Ok, back to work now while I evaluate my life choices.
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“Blueberries and butterflies, the pretty things that greet my eyes…”
again with the mainfestation stuff.
I feel like something big is around the corner.
The love I’ve been searching for is gonna find me. It’s going to be like nothing I’ve ever experienced yet everything I’ve always wanted. The one who loves me as I am, faults and all. They will work through my traumas with me. They will make me feel more than I ever knew I could. …and I’ve felt a lot.
My financial situation will get significantly better too.
I refuse the things that are only going to confuse me.
I attract, I don’t chase.
What I desire, desires me more.
That’s all for today. <3
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“If everything could ever feel this real forever…”
Fortnite is fun. At first I hated the different creative maps, but some of them are actually fun.
Festival mode is my jam, I absolutely love going in and playing the different songs. I just wish some of my friends wanted to play too.
I don’t really mess with Lego Fortnite that often… but Battle Royale is where it’s at.
I’ve been gaming with a really fun group of military veterans and their dependents and supporters. They really have welcomed me with open arms, even though I’m not as cracked as they are.
I have played Fortnite for 4 years now. I can honestly say that when you’re playing with friends, with people that can accept that you’re not nearly as good as they are but they want you to play anyway? It’s a good feeling.
They’re my family. I love them.
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Mantras and affirmations
So I’m trying to manifest some stuff.
I don’t chase, I attract.
What ever I desire, desires me more.It’s about time I get treated the way I deserve.
I’m tired of running around with my feelings in charge.Whatever is mine will find me.
Whomever is mine will put forth the effort and I won’t have to wonder.
I’m about to get a very big blessing.
That’s all for now.
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“She’s a girl with the best intentions, he’s a man of his own invention…”
I’ve already threatened to stab somebody at work. XD
Don’t worry… I’m not going to actually stab somebody. The person I threatened was my first husband anyway, he’s safe from stabbing.
But speaking of work, it’s getting really stressful. I’m looking forward to the long weekend; it’s only TUESDAY.
I need to get things lined up for the next concert of the year. I want to go see Sister Hazel soon. They’re the only band I’ve seen so far this year and due to other artists cancelling (or my general not being able to go), they’re also next on the list. They’ve released a couple of songs since I saw them last, so I’m really looking forward to the next show!
Last thought for the moment… Everyone is fighting a battle daily, whether it’s with people in their worlds or the battles inside their heads. Some of my friends have really been going through it lately. I want y’all to know how much I love you, how much you mean to me, and that I am here for you even when you don’t want to be here for yourself.
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“I’m waiting, waiting…”
I feel like I hide in the shadows a lot.
I mean, I feel like I’m justified in that considering the stuff I’ve been through and how I’m not trying to draw attention to myself… but sometimes you just wanna be part of the fun. You want your tiny little sliver of spotlight so you can show others the true you, your fun self.
I wish others could get to know that side of me. I wish I would let others see it.
All in due time I guess.
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We gotchu, sis. <3
Today a friend is having a hard time. It’s the anniversary of the death of her brother. They were very close.
She had warned us (the ladies in our “Girl Talk” chat on FB) that she may be quiet today… so we’re all outpouring some love and encouragement to her.
I told the ladies I thought about sending her a Starbucks drink but wasn’t sure if her husband would know her order… so one of the other ladies that had his number texted him and asked.
I’m super impressed because dude knew her order down to the last detail, like the extra caramel drizzle on top. THAT is a good husband.
Now we’re discussing either sending them dinner via Door Dash, or maybe sending her some self-care stuff from Ulta or Sephora.
I just wanna make her day a little brighter. I may not know what it feels like to lose a sibling, but I do know how hard loss can hit, especially on the anniversary days.
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“What a twisted fate, always ends this way…”
I went to Walmart before work this morning.
As I’m grabbing some soda, the Pepsi guy was in the aisle. “Good morning” he says to me.
“Good morning” I reply.
Him: “How are you doing?“
Me: “I’m alright, how are you?“
Him: “I’m good.“
*I continue to deliberate over which soda I want*
Him: “I am such a liar…“
Me: *looks over at the Pepsi guy* “So you aren’t good?“
Him: “Nah. It’s my first day back from vacation.“
Me: “Ah, those are always pretty rough.“
*awkward silence*
Then he walks over to the next aisle.A lot of the time, we hide what and how we are really feeling because of pleasantries, or not wanting to burden someone. I could have been honest and told him my brain was torturing me over a situation that happened last night, but I didn’t… 1, because I don’t know him, and 2, because I just wanted to get on with my day.
However, if dude really needed to talk about how he’s not OK? I would have been a listening ear.
It’s OK to not be Ok, it’s OK to talk to people when you need to, and if you feel like a complete stranger is the one to talk to – ask if you can vent to them or whatever. I wouldn’t have minded.
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“Not gonna over think or over stress about forever, you and I don’t need that pressure…”
After about 30 hours in turmoil, I’m doing a lot better.
Yesterday morning I sent an apology video.
Yesterday mid-afternoon, I got a text reply.
I’m thrilled that he wants to stay friends with me. Thankfully, I think only being about 6 weeks into something gives us the ability to keep the friendship intact.
Time to work on myself some more and keep on keepin’ on.
Time for more art and craft stuff. More gardening. More time with my pupper.
Time to get my house in order, there’s a lot of work that needs to be done. Perhaps I’ll pick up some skills along the way (gotta figure out how to do the drywall thing).
And time to cultivate MORE friendships other than the ones I’ve been clinging to for the past two months. These friends are great, don’t get me wrong – but I am going to put the effort into growing friendships with some of my lady friends. It’s time.
What a difference a day makes. <3
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“Bring on another breakdown…”
Here comes the overthinker, yet again.
Really struggling today.
Not gonna go in-depth about it. Just wanted to acknowledge that I’m struggling with my emotions.
I wanna shout from the rooftops that this dude makes my heart happy. I wanna not have to worry that my skeletons will scare him away. I wanna not overthink. I wanna finally let some of our friends in on it… I wanna go on more dates with him. I wanna spend more time with him. I wanna just BE with him.
I need to have a difficult conversation with him, I just literally can’t until next weekend. This one has to be a face-to-face conversation.
I guess then I’ll know if he truly wants to stick it out, or if it’s too much.
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“No don’t get stressed it’s gon’ get figured out…”
Having weekend plans that don’t involve the person you are seeing is a struggle as a codependent.
Also, trying to work on your codependency and recognizing when you’re exhibiting codependent behaviors is a struggle.
This weekend I was at an event in a couple hours away from home. It’s an event that I try to volunteer for every year.
I made plans to stay with my ex-boyfriend’s family because it was near their city. They are still very dear to me, we talk pretty much weekly, and I love them! They understand that just because it didn’t work out with their son and I, doesn’t mean that we can’t still have a friendship.
Friday night I told my dearest friend that I volunteer with about how things were going a lot better for me recently. I told her I have even started opening myself up to the idea of being with somebody again. Including, you know, a guy that I was kind of currently interested in. She said to me “just be careful and don’t lose yourself.” She has seen me go through multiple relationships that were not good for me. For her to say this really has kind of sat with me all weekend long.
I did talk to my dude a couple of times… Well actually more than a couple of times this weekend. I talked to him some on Friday as I was driving into the city, I talked to him Friday evening when I was driving to the event, and I talked to him Friday evening when I was on my way back to my friends house. Then we texted and talked a little online that night, and that was that. The next day of course I sent a good morning text, he sent one back once he woke up, but then we didn’t really talk for many hours.I have realized that I anxiously await his text tone. When I do receive a text, I get that dopamine hit and it’s like an addiction. Knowing that, it’s really hard to not want to text all the time just to get that dopamine hit again. However, it seems like he’s not as big on texting… Sometimes, sure, but if he’s busy, then he’ll get to my message when he gets to my message. And that’s hard for me. It shouldn’t be! But it is. This is nothing against him. This is me recognizing and putting words to my actions, and seeing what I’m doing, so I can actively try to do better.
He seems like an incredibly secure person. He doesn’t have the anxiety like I do when it comes to life in general, especially relationships. So this is different, this whole thing feels different to me… And I can’t really put a finger on it. Don’t know if this is too different that I can’t handle it, or if this is what a healthy relationship looks like, and I need to just reign myself in… I’m leaning towards that last one. If this is what healthy looks like, and my crazies aren’t scaring him away, then I owe it to him to work on myself and make this less difficult. He deserves a healthy person on the opposite side too.
I know we are not an official anything right now. But talking to him about my feelings is hard… all while trying to not give off stage five clinger vibes. I am really having to be aware about what it is that I’m doing in order to not being a clingy person. Anxious attachment styles really suck. But at least I’m aware of it, and I’m actively trying to do better.
Sorry for the jumbled rambles. This is just what’s inside my head. Again, I’m trying to put it into actual words so I can see it for what it is (anxiety), try to figure out why I’m feeling that way (my past, most likely), and recognize what the healthy thing to do in this situation is. That’s all.
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“brush your shoulders off, life’s gonna work it out.”
Boy, do I overreact. XD
Yesterday when I was leaving work, I got a phone call from him. Total surprise!! We talked as I drove (through the heavy rain storm we were having) to the shopping center where I went to go pick out a dress for the event this weekend. I went into the store, and he asked if I would call him back when I left. (Of course I did.) Then I called him and we talked until he needed to go Facetime his child, and I texted him to let him know I was home.
We played a couple games together later in the evening, then still texted a few times. But as he sent me a goodnight message, I was typing up my goodnight message, and I told him that I wanted to thank him; the fact that we have talked a lot has really helped ‘calm my crazy’ and I had been really really happy, so I thanked him for making my day better. I shared more, also saying “(Also hoping that by sharing how I’m feeling it won’t freak you out.)”
His reply was:
Don’t mind me, just swooning over here. 🙂
Let me remember this the next time I start down my anxiety spiral.
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“Kept on the inside and no sunlight, sometimes a shadow wins…”
Overthinking is the absolute worst.
I’ve got so much turmoil in this ol’ noggin of mine.
On the one hand, I feel like I’m simply overreacting, and I need to clearly communicate my needs to see if this will work out.
On the other hand, part of me is screaming ‘they’re showing you who they are, why aren’t you seeing it?‘
Depending on how the afternoon and evening goes, I may be doing the brave thing and having a conversation about my needs. But is it too soon? Probably, but I want to be clear. Communication is something we both stated was important to us, so when there are these unsure feelings I would think that they would want me to come to them with my troubles.
…
In other news, I really want to go shopping for the event I’m attending this weekend, so I may be doing that tonight too. ha!
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“I’ll pretend my ship’s not sinking…”
Nicotine Dolls are coming back to Charlotte in October. 😀 I’m beyond excited and I bought my tickets THE DAY they went on sale!
In other news… Crushes, man. They’re so fun yet so scary at the same time.
Why do I do this to myself? I’m trying to remember that crushes are OK to have but also to not make it my entire focus, ya know? Stop obsessing over things I have no control over.Last but not least, why does the cat wait until I’m actively using the laptop to try to walk all over it? She’s on my last nerve. XD
Later, taters.
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“You sprinkle stardust on my pillow case, it’s like a moonbeam brushed across my face…”
Dreams are funny, man.
Why does our brain decide to bring back certain people randomly? Sometimes, I expect to dream about a particular person. Other times, it’s a total surprise.
The funny thing to me is, the person that visited me in my dream last night (who is someone still with us on this Earth, mind you), I haven’t seen since they were six years old. They’re almost 16 now.
In my dreams, it was the six-year old version of them. Hanging out with me.
This six year old was my best friend in the entire world. I miss them with everything I am.
Counting down the days…
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This one’s a doozy.
Buckle up, buttercup. We’re about to go on a wild ride.
My son got married last year. His wife’s birthday was last week.
Earlier last week, my sister let me know that my married son asked her to bake a birthday cake for his wife’s birthday (specifically, an angel food cake). I was a little unsure why he asked her over me (considering I’m the “baker” of the family), but I told her I’d take care of the cake so she didn’t have to.
Birthday day arrives. I have a birthday card and a gift card for my daughter-in-law. While I was at work, my son texted me saying he took his bride to Cracker Barrel for lunch. I asked if he still wanted an angel food cake with strawberries for her, since I had told my sister I was going to do it. He mentioned that her mom had made her a strawberry shortcake, but that he felt like she would like the angel food cake as well. I told him I was going to pick it up on the way home after work.
After work I stopped by the bank (payday, yay) then ran over to the grocery store. I picked up a fresh angel food cake, some good looking strawberries, and stopped over in the dairy department to get some whipped cream. Headed to the checkout then go home.
About an hour later, I go to see my son and the birthday girl. She seemed happy and appreciative that I got her an angel food cake with strawberries (which she took one out of the package right then to eat) and the whipped cream. We talked for a bit then I went over to see my parents right next door. Everything seemed hunky-dory!
…until last night.
Around 8:30pm I was laying in bed, watching videos on my phone. I hear my son’s car (which is pretty loud), wondering if he was in my driveway like it sounded…
Then the car turned off. I knew he was there. The dogs started going bonkers since there was a visitor. I go to open the door for him and I could tell something was wrong.
We talked for a couple of minutes then I finally said “Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Something is wrong. Tell me.”
*sigh* “[Wife] is upset.”
“What? Did I do something? What did I do?”
*another sigh and shaking of his head* “She’s upset that… you didn’t make her an angel food cake.”
*confused look* “But I brought her an angel food cake from the store?”
*hangs head* “I know.”
“Wait, you’re saying she is upset that I gave her a store-bought cake and didn’t make it from scratch?”
*shakes head* “Yeah, pretty much.”We continued to discuss the absurdity of her being upset over a birthday cake. We discussed how he and I work full time jobs, and how making an angel food cake from scratch would take me a couple of hours, and how she (currently not working due to her seasonal job) doesn’t understand that people have lives outside of her.
He hung out for an hour and a half, not sure of what the heck to actually say to her when he got back. I didn’t understand why she was sweet about it to my face on Thursday night, then waited until MONDAY night to have him come say something to me??? Can she not fight her own battles? Oh, by the way, she told him “You make sure she knows I cried over this.” I was like…..???????? So I replied “ok, well, make sure she knows I held my tears in because I didn’t want to upset you.” Like, her crying over this is supposed to make me feel worse??? Come on.
He went home around 10pm and I went to bed. Cried a bit but finally dozed off… angry and upset about this whole situation.
You think it’s the end of the story, right?
This morning I see my baby sis, the one that was originally asked to make the angel food cake. I sit her down and tell her of last night’s shenanigans.
She proceeds to tell me that my nephew went to her Friday and asked her to make the angel food cake, because my daughter-in-law didn’t get one and she was upset about it. My sister went out on Saturday and bought a boxed cake mix and some strawberries and baked the cake for her… all because my nephew was under the impression that his friend, my son’s wife, didn’t get the birthday cake she was hoping for. She even showed me a screenshot of a message between my son and his wife about how she was so happy to finally have a homemade angel food cake. She said she thought maybe I had picked up a pound cake or something else instead of the angel food cake like I told her I would get… and she apologized for not checking with me.
What the actual F— y’all. Not only did she manipulate people to get what she wanted, she’s ungrateful for the things she did get and I’m now even a little upset with my son for neglecting to tell me the part about my sister making the cake (which I fully intend to call him out on today).
I’m having a difficult time processing this.
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“All that’s left to find is peace of mind, running out of time…”
First of all, Arrows In Action is a fantastic band and I can’t wait to get to one of their shows. (Please tour soon!)
Secondly, I did something on Friday I hadn’t done in well over a year…
I got a haircut.
I love(d) my long hair, but it was to the point of looking unhealthy, and I needed the change. Nothing drastic, just got rid of maybe 8 inches. It feels different for sure, but it feels so much better.
Now I’ve gotta invest in a curling iron / straightener. The one I had that I loved finally kicked the bucket last year.
Happy Monday, friendos.
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“Something in the way you move…”
Hi friendos.
Been going ‘through it’ emotionally.
I hope you all had a blessed and happy and healthy holiday season.
The new year is upon us, and we are already moving at warp speed.
It’s so funny how time actually flies by.
Anyway, I think this is the year that I start loving myself more.
I already have five (very realistic) resolutions for 2024:
- See more live music
- Make more art (at least one art project per month)
- Take more pictures
- Keep a gratitude calendar
- Lose *some* weight.
Doing all of those things will help with my happiness, both with life in general and with myself.
2024 is going to be MY year. It can be your year too, but it’s also going to be mine. <3
