• Self

    “Something in the way you move…”

    Hi friendos.

    Been going ‘through it’ emotionally.

    I hope you all had a blessed and happy and healthy holiday season.

    The new year is upon us, and we are already moving at warp speed.

    It’s so funny how time actually flies by.

    Anyway, I think this is the year that I start loving myself more.

    I already have five (very realistic) resolutions for 2024:

    • See more live music
    • Make more art (at least one art project per month)
    • Take more pictures
    • Keep a gratitude calendar
    • Lose *some* weight.

    Doing all of those things will help with my happiness, both with life in general and with myself.

    2024 is going to be MY year. It can be your year too, but it’s also going to be mine. <3

  • Self

    “You seem to think there’s more to the illusion,
    I think I’ve lost my thought…”

    Over a week ago (Aug 17th), a friend and I made “plans” to meet up for last night (Aug 24th).

    They weren’t definitive plans, as we had only picked a day and not the activity.

    Wednesday, friend had the day off work. They didn’t message much, so I didn’t think too much of it… but we hadn’t really set plans for the next day so I was really curious. Probably to the level of obsessing about it. (Ok, so I guess I did think too much of them not talking to me much.)

    Yesterday rolls around, and I send a morning message. They reply not too long after it, and I was told they had went on an overnight trip with some family, and would be driving back sometime yesterday. Cool, I hope they had a great time with their family! Those trips can be fun or… not so fun if your family is annoying or you don’t get along (haha).

    But then — *radio silence* … I wonder if they ever got back so I sent a text around 4pm. I got off work at 5 and there was no reply yet. I decided on the way home that I was going to go to trivia night at a bar in town, by myself, if my friend didn’t reply. I get home, feed the cat, feed the dogs… then tell my son I’m gonna go to trivia and asked if he wanted to come along. (He didn’t.)

    So I start getting ready. I go all out – I curl my hair, I do some really freaking cute makeup, I even wear foundation and stuff! (Which is rare for me, but I really wanted to look pretty. And I did.)

    Friend replies back at 6:15 saying they did make it back. I replied “That’s good 🙂 ” about 5 minutes later. Then silence again… 15 minutes(ish) later, I sent a text asking if they did want to go hang out or do something tonight, and that if they didn’t want to it was ok, I just wasn’t sure.

    **more silence**

    I tell my oldest I’m heading out, and I go. I drive to the gas station, put a few dollars of gas in my car, then drive over to the place where trivia is being held.

    I park across the street. I can see the entrance and the amount of people going in.

    And I couldn’t make myself get out of the car.

    I sat there for a good 20 minutes before I told myself just to leave, that I certainly wasn’t going in by myself. Then I beat myself up over it for a while.

    I made a Facebook post saying :

    I envy those of you without crippling anxiety.
    I decided to go to a trivia night by myself. I couldn’t even get out of the car. 🙁 Maybe next time I can do it.

    And I started the drive home.

    My friend JR called. He’s a really good friend, just lives about 2 hours away. He has known I’m going through some mental struggles, and I’m betting he saw my post then decided to call.

    We talked for over an hour. In our first 5 minutes of chatting, friend from earlier texted saying that they were sorry, they just got my message and they don’t know how they overlooked it. I didn’t reply until I got home, while I was still on the call with my friend.

    But JR asked something that’s festered… aside from the general ‘being a woman alone at a bar’, was there anything else that triggered the anxiety? He and I were still talking when the answer came to me, but I didn’t share. It’s a very personal part of my past that I’m still working through.

    The answer is tied to my deceased spouse. It’s difficult to talk about him and the trauma that he put me through. Just know that I recognize (now) that’s where the anxiety stems from.

    I believe I can go to concerts alone. (I may have to very soon, just due to some of the shows that I want to see being during the week when others can’t take off.) I can go shopping alone. I can go to restaurants alone. But I couldn’t take myself into a bar to go play trivia alone.

    And I keep beating myself up over it.

  • Self

    “Suicidal Kamikaze, becomes less charming as I’m talking…”

    Ever feel like there’s so many thought-trains happening in your head that you struggle to keep everything on the right track?

    I’m having one of those moments.

    On the one hand, I want to talk about the f!/c$@& audacity that this one person in my life has. I can’t get behind this person’s actions nor do I understand their thoughts. But, in the words of someone I talk to frequently, “they are exactly where they want to be.” **throws hands into air**

    The other hand has a burning question… butterflies when talking to a person you may be (but probably shouldn’t be) interested in – good or bad? I’ve seen people say that butterflies are bad, they are your gut feeling being mislabeled, your body is trying to alert you to something and you’re taking it as excitement and curiosity, and you should wait for the person that doesn’t give you butterflies. But then, some believe that the butterflies are actually a good feeling, it show’s excitement and blah blah blah. And then there’s me, who finds myself in an odd place. Not gonna elaborate in case they find this blog 😂 but… let’s just say there’s a comfort there.

    On the other train track is the thought of starting a radio show or podcast. A friend was doing a radio show and they’re taking a break for a few months. I started thinking about maybe just doing an hour long show and mostly playing music, having a different themed playlist each week… occasionally talking about the songs or artists… maybe bringing a guest host at times. I dunno, it was a thought. Something I’m pondering.

    One of the other train tracks has me said that I’m not able to game much right now. My home internet is straight garbage. I miss Fortnite. I also want to play Palia, but I’m not a PC gamer. 🥲 I have to wait until it comes out for the Switch.

    Ok that’s enough for now. All aboard the loco-motives! We are pulling out of the station going towards the kitchen for some ice cream. 🤣

  • Self

    “Everything else felt so unimportant…”

    Last night as I was laying in bed, scrolling through my phone while in the dark, something caught my eye. I stop what I’m doing and focus on it… then it moves closer…

    Y’all. There was a spider crawling on my comforter VERY CLOSE TO MY ARM. 😳 Normally I don’t freak out about spiders, as long as they keep their distance. But one making a move to my actual body?! Oh no no no no no siree no way no how. I swipe my hand across the comforter and turn the light on, trying to find the sucker.

    I fluffed the comforter a few times – it didn’t appear to be there.

    I moved the pillows off the bed – it didn’t appear to be hiding under those.

    I kicked a few things around in the floor, I moved things off the nightstand, I moved the curtains – No Spidey anywhere!

    …lil sucker escaped. 😨

    I didn’t sleep well. 😂

    Tonight I decided to rearrange my bedroom. I think I’ll be able to sleep a little better tonight. I hope.

    Anyway, just thought I’d share some of my shenanigans. Have a good one y’all.

  • Self,  Updates

    Hi Friendos, Where Have I Been?

    What’s going on, y’all? It’s been a minute. *checks calendar* Wait, it’s been like two months?? Yikes.

    To be honest there’s not a ton going on with me. Oh, except that I broke the tips of two of my fingers at work almost 2 weeks ago, AND I fell and got a big cut on my leg. All that resulted in 26 stitches and a lost fingernail. Yay me, right?

    It could have been so much worse… I’m very thankful and blessed. Seriously, it was a pure accident and we are now implementing things to make sure accidents like mine don’t happen again.

    But yeah… I don’t like the hunt-and-peck typing style. LOL I miss being able to fully type properly.

    That is all you get from me today. 🙂 Until next time!

  • Self

    Hippity hoppity

    Easter will be here in just a couple of days.

    I’m making brunch for the kids, and giving them the Easter baskets I made.

    …that’s it. Then the kids will be going to spend time with their dad’s side of the fam.

    My family isn’t gathering on this holiday.

    Why?

    Multiple reasons. One sister will be out of town… I’ll actually be taking care of her sweet lil ol man pupper while they’re gone… and I’m not really sure what the other two sisters are doing, or what my parents are doing. I figure that they’re all doing the church thing then gathering with their church families for a meal.

    Know what’s funny? …I don’t care that much that we haven’t planned anything. In fact, I’m looking forward to not having to stress about anything that day after brunch is made.

    I realize that once Sunday gets here I might be lonely or whatever, but hey – I can just text them to check in. 🙂

    I hope you all have a joyous Easter.