“You seem to think there’s more to the illusion,
I think I’ve lost my thought…”

Over a week ago (Aug 17th), a friend and I made “plans” to meet up for last night (Aug 24th).

They weren’t definitive plans, as we had only picked a day and not the activity.

Wednesday, friend had the day off work. They didn’t message much, so I didn’t think too much of it… but we hadn’t really set plans for the next day so I was really curious. Probably to the level of obsessing about it. (Ok, so I guess I did think too much of them not talking to me much.)

Yesterday rolls around, and I send a morning message. They reply not too long after it, and I was told they had went on an overnight trip with some family, and would be driving back sometime yesterday. Cool, I hope they had a great time with their family! Those trips can be fun or… not so fun if your family is annoying or you don’t get along (haha).

But then — *radio silence* … I wonder if they ever got back so I sent a text around 4pm. I got off work at 5 and there was no reply yet. I decided on the way home that I was going to go to trivia night at a bar in town, by myself, if my friend didn’t reply. I get home, feed the cat, feed the dogs… then tell my son I’m gonna go to trivia and asked if he wanted to come along. (He didn’t.)

So I start getting ready. I go all out – I curl my hair, I do some really freaking cute makeup, I even wear foundation and stuff! (Which is rare for me, but I really wanted to look pretty. And I did.)

Friend replies back at 6:15 saying they did make it back. I replied “That’s good 🙂 ” about 5 minutes later. Then silence again… 15 minutes(ish) later, I sent a text asking if they did want to go hang out or do something tonight, and that if they didn’t want to it was ok, I just wasn’t sure.

**more silence**

I tell my oldest I’m heading out, and I go. I drive to the gas station, put a few dollars of gas in my car, then drive over to the place where trivia is being held.

I park across the street. I can see the entrance and the amount of people going in.

And I couldn’t make myself get out of the car.

I sat there for a good 20 minutes before I told myself just to leave, that I certainly wasn’t going in by myself. Then I beat myself up over it for a while.

I made a Facebook post saying :

I envy those of you without crippling anxiety.
I decided to go to a trivia night by myself. I couldn’t even get out of the car. 🙁 Maybe next time I can do it.

And I started the drive home.

My friend JR called. He’s a really good friend, just lives about 2 hours away. He has known I’m going through some mental struggles, and I’m betting he saw my post then decided to call.

We talked for over an hour. In our first 5 minutes of chatting, friend from earlier texted saying that they were sorry, they just got my message and they don’t know how they overlooked it. I didn’t reply until I got home, while I was still on the call with my friend.

But JR asked something that’s festered… aside from the general ‘being a woman alone at a bar’, was there anything else that triggered the anxiety? He and I were still talking when the answer came to me, but I didn’t share. It’s a very personal part of my past that I’m still working through.

The answer is tied to my deceased spouse. It’s difficult to talk about him and the trauma that he put me through. Just know that I recognize (now) that’s where the anxiety stems from.

I believe I can go to concerts alone. (I may have to very soon, just due to some of the shows that I want to see being during the week when others can’t take off.) I can go shopping alone. I can go to restaurants alone. But I couldn’t take myself into a bar to go play trivia alone.

And I keep beating myself up over it.